Shine On, 2008

in no particular order...

- becoming closer to some very special people
- still not hating my job
- making Christmas cards
- getting a new camera
- exchanging 'i love you's
- watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall over and over again
- Robert Downey Jr's sexy ass comeback
- "Sex and the City" the movie <3
- getting into South Park (thanks to Juan)
- my panda costume
- homemade items from Jenn, Justine, Lisa, and Jess :)
- The Dark Knight (midnight premieres rock my world)
- a special book made by Jess as my Christmas present; 48 pages full of pictures, hand-written words, quotes, drawings, funny captions, secrets only we know, etc, documenting the past 5 or 6 years of our friendship.
- my friends finding love
- getting a Costco card (thanks to my sister)
- my friends' inspirational ambitions & accomplishments
- accidentally finding Roscoe's in LA
- Lee's Sandwiches opening on Fullerton & Colima
- Leona Lewis
- party bus for Martin and Dann's birthdays
- the Olympics!
- Taco Tuesdays in the OC
- Green Shit Wednesdays
- presidential election
- Amy Ryan as Holly on The Office
- the dream is still alive

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

CHRISTMAS!! my favorite :)

i actually did wait until midnight to open my cards and presents last night. i don't really much care for material things, but i love the seeing the thought displayed through words and gestures. that's why i always ask for homemade gifts. this year was quite nice. everything i received was lovely and useful. for example, my sister and her BF got me a TomTom, which i certainly can use, seeing how i get lost so easily. i won't go on and on about the things i received, suffice it to say that i really really really loved and appreciated the thoughts & efforts & creativity that went into them :) it also meant a lot to me that some gifts were personally delivered to me while i was at work or at home. thank you <333

we spent Christmas Eve at my aunt's house last night. then we went home, surprised our parents with the TV, and i got to enjoy the rest of the evening watching Judd Apatow movies and talking to Louie on the phone. as of this morning, i'm just chilling at home. i took tomorrow off, so i won't have work until Monday! very, very chill :) loving it to the max.


Merry Christmas to all!

Bad Habit

i always write blogs that i never post.
what am i afraid of?
lame ass motherfucker.

Merry Christmas to Me

from me, to me.
the best kind of present there is :)

ehh, i deserved it. i've worked really hard this year, not only in my professional life, but also my friendships and personal growth. i don't know why i even waited this long. i think i just needed time to decide which camera was "the one" for now. i'd actually had my heart set on the XTi, but opted for the XS because of the price. this one just seems more sensible. i'm sure once i get it in the mail, i'd fall madly in love with it. Jenn and i are already planning on capturing some shots in LA together. naturally :) yeah, i'm pretty freakin' stoked.


i want to make Christmas cards.

We Need a Resurrection

i feel like i've reached a point in my life where something needs to change. i'm not sure what exactly, but it feels like it has to do with my ambitions and goals. i'm currently at a standstill. when people ask me what i want to do with my life, and i tell them that i don't know, i always get a sneaking suspicion that they think i'm lying. surely, a person cannot have NO passion for anything in life? i do have passions and dreams, yet, i don't think i'm capable enough as of right now to pursue them sucessfully. i was your typical dreamer back in the day. i still sort of am, but i've put a cap on that whole deal and stepped into reality. the dreams themselves have also gotten fuzzy in the past few years as i grew to see LIFE more clearly. i've been told that i need to just go after and try out different things to get more perspective, but i honestly just have no desire.

when i stopped going to school a year ago ("dropped out" are such nasty words...), i made a very bold decision that was completely out of character. i kept a casual attitude about it in front of others, but i could not stop the loud voices in my head asking myself what i was doing. in retrospect, i'd made the right decision for me, but i somewhat still can't believe i did that. i had 3 years worth of college credit/education under my belt, not to mention all the tuition & book fees & art supply fees i'd paid out of my own pockets from balancing 2 back-to-back jobs, all the while avoiding loans and debt. i did myself proud, but i did not cross the finish line. instead, i started going down a completely different path. most people can't comprehend that concept, and it's not their fault because the whole thing sounds totally stupid. i believe somewhere along the lines of "finding myself through education", i became more lost than ever. i was overwhelmed with ambition and a feeling of incompetence at the same time. i needed to pull myself out of a destined failure, so i did. it wasn't about the grades, it was about the lack of satisfaction and fulfillment.

not going to lie, i do miss learning so much. being in school gave me this drive to be great. it helped me believe that i could really make an impact on the world. ha, nowadays, the daily grind owns me.

my passion in art has fizzled away in the past year or so, and it truly devastates me. i constantly tell myself to just pick up my damn brushes, but this really isn't a case of mind over matter. i suppose it's heart over EVERYTHING. but the heart is, how you say, not feeling for much lately.


my dreams used to run so wild.
now i sit in an office for 40 hours a week.
the price i paid for stability... how i miss my vigour.


enough is enough!
(easier said than done.)

Leaves in the Air

You've got me baited
The hook's in my mouth
But I don’t want to let you know.
- As Tall As Lions

False.

Cheer Up, Baby.

Not So Friendly

this is embarrassing to admit, but i sorta kinda sorta kinda kinda find myself quite drawn to someone lately. and i really shouldn't be, because there's no freakin' way that he'd actually see me in the same light. i don't even talk to him that much, so i'm not really sure where this recent infatuation came about.

sometimes i fear that i will forever be trapped in the ever-so-appealing Friend Zone. i mean, it's brought me so much comfort and joy, and i shouldn't complain because i'm blessed to have these amazing people in my life. but there are definitely days when i curse it to the fiery pits of Hell.

in the end, what really brings people together to form friendships? the fact that they get along really well and have fun and are able to instill trust in each other, right?? and if you have all that, then don't you have a great relationship as it is? and while i'm on this thread of thought, i'd like to point out that a friendship is a form of "relationship", and usually lasts longer than that of a typical boy/girl "situation". so what's missing? just the physical stuff? the romance? the actual feelings? what if they're actually there, but just being hidden under denial? because, let's face it, there's hardly any social situation more awkward than that of expressing affection to a friend who: 1) you care about. 2) you are afraid of losing. 3) you'd still like to continue seeing without feeling embarrassed after being rejected.

i believe that we all get a kick (big or small) out of special conversations, glances, hugs, what have you. but when it's with a friend, you can't really enjoy that to the full extent. it's almost against the rule or something. and, as eloquently as i can put it, i fuckin' hate that shit. and it happens to all of us. whoever says that they've never had a more-than-friendly thought towards a friend is a liar and deserves to be beaten down with a stick. true, there are those whom we'd never see in that light, but there are definitely lots of those who shine brighter.

i guess the thing that sucks about being in the Friend Zone is when you'd like to get out of it, but that one person is keeping you in it. and it's not as if you can look the other way when that person is purusing someone else, no. you are their friend, so you're there at all those social events to observe all of the attention being directed to Not You. and you wonder why you're so scared to even send a hint.

i'm done ranting for now.
don't take me too seriously.

Kinda Like Chicken

i'm no go-getter.

i admire those who can be open and honest about all their desires, even if they do not acquire them in the end.




i can't even look you in the fuckin' eyes.

Meaning

my life is currently lacking meaning. i feel like i'm just living day-by-day, with no greater purpose or even something to look forward to. i'm not unhappy, just feeling a little empty and uninspired. i have not even a single insightful thought in my head. i suppose we all get like this sometimes.

i've completely let myself go.
bad.

i have a will to improve.
good.

Butter

learned something new today:
butter = no more burnt grilled cheese sammies.


thanks, JPL.

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

-- Robert Frost, 1923

Lucky Bastard

Alan Fishman - CEO of Washington Mutual - had only been in office for 17 days when WaMu failed. however, since it was guaranteed by contract, he earned $11.6 million in cash severance, on top of the $7.5 million signing bonus for taking the job. this bitch got $19.1 million for 17 days of "work". that's more than $1mil a day!

this makes me a little angry. how many people have lost jobs, homes, businesses, and money due to this crumbling economy? and this jackass gets this amazing career opportunity, but couldn't manage to make any significant improvements to prolong the life of his company. then when it collapses, he cashes in on the severance pay, while millions of Americans are suffering financially. what the fuck? surely, we can hardly say it was his fault that WaMu failed, but the bastard still got paid that much money? undeserved.

We All Have Them

- i'm afraid to strike up conversations because i'm not interesting. that's why i ask a lot of questions.
- Paramore is my sad music.
- i believe in love, but i don't think it believes in me.
- i have really bad memory, and i hate it when people hold it against me when i forget something about them, like it was intentional.
- i pretend to not know certain things that i do know because i don't like the responsibility of possessing that information.
- i pretend to believe people's lies because i don't want them to look stupid.
- i have difficulty registering numbers in their correct sequences.
- there's a friend of mine who's completely oblivious to the fact that i know she takes my ideas and words, and uses them as her own.
- i used to get lost in Costcos and Wal-Marts all the time as a child, so much so that my family eventually stopped looking for me, and i'd wander around the store in tears until i found them on my own. i deserved that.
- i still don't know what career i want to pursue.
- i have no pity for people who pity themselves.
- i'm genuinely interested in the things people tell me, but sometimes i get the feeling that they think i'm faking it.
- i have the most Polaroids of my dog, Baby, than of anyone/thing else.
- i tailgate cars when they've angered me, even though i think it's the most immature thing ever.
- i dislike my laugh. it's crass and gaudy.
- i spend more money on my friends than i do on my actual family, and i want to change that.
- people always say that they understand the reasons why i stopped going to school, but i know they don't because they always say, "don't worry, you'll go back one day."
- i think everyone is beautiful.

Real Talk

this weather makes me extremely happy. i love gloomy days, they make me want to run away from all of the familiar.
i love this town, this city, this county, this state, this family, these friends.
but i really, really want to break free from the daily grind and breathe in the unknown.

however, i can't walk away from my job. it's chill, rewarding (both financially and career-wise), productive, and ever-so-close to my home. i have a great healthcare plan thanks to my company. i get to network with people from other Fortune 500 companies. if i choose to stay in this field and move up in ranks, or possibly transfer to a different company or whatnot, i have the potential of making a lot of money in the near future. i started this job last October, so i'm getting a raise next month. i don't know what it's going to be, but i'm hoping for at least a 25% increase. i have it pretty sweet here, and i don't take it for granted at all. the longer i'm here, the more i have to consider whether or not to make this my actual career. my bosses and co-workers all tell me that i can be very successful in this field, and they've already started giving me clients to rep on my own (although i still ask others for help). i just don't know if i want to do this for the rest of my life. it's good money, but it doesn't feed to my interests. then again, if i'm already here and planning to stay here for a few more years, what's the point of changing careers later when i'm already in my mid-to-late 20s? perhaps i can just do this for a while, rack up some money, and invest in opening a small cafe or restaurant. life is so unpredictable, and i'm wishing on every star in the sky that it takes me somewhere exciting. i'm meant to do great things, i know it. i just need to get my shit together and focus on saving and worthy investments. i have many hopes and dreams, but they've been fading underneath constant distractions, social obligations, and worldly desires.

1. need to stop going out so often
2. craving alone time at the gallery
3. simplicity


hello, weekend.

Mother of All Nightmares

i had one of the worst dreams this morning, right before i awoke for the day. i don't dream often, but when i do, the dreams are always very bleak and feel overwhelmingly real.

i don't really cry much in real life, at least not since my heart had turned into stone. i've cried probably once in the past year alone, and it was because i was drunk and dealing with a terrible situation that was out of my control. with that said, i bawled like a fuckin' baby in this dream. i'd basically dreamt that my mother had passed away due to an unspecified illness. i was okay at first, and i didn't even tell any of my friends (who were also in the dream) about the situation. however, as a few days had gone by, i began to feel the pain of no longer having her in my life, and i just lost it. i can't really put into words all the agony i'd felt, suffice it to say that it was emotionally draining. i even woke up with a shortness of breath, as i'd been "crying" so hard.

it's so strange that something of this illusive nature can bring about real pain. my heart felt like it was being pounded repeatedly with a mallet. it really did hurt.


i love my mommy and i don't want her to ever leave.

Older

i turned 22 this past weekend. i got to have the house all to myself because my family went out of town. that was quite enjoyable. i just know i'd love living alone. midnight rang in to welcome the 30th and opened the floodgate to a barrage of calls, texts, comments, and messages. that felt really nice.

birthdays are just like any other days, though i can't help but consider them special. it could be because i grew up in a household that always puts a lot of emphasis on birthdays (and Christmas).

i didn't really do anything special/out of the ordinary, nor had i desired to. spent the day with a few great friends and then saw many others later at night. i was content. people are incredible because they care.

having Monday off was super. and now i'm at work, which feels pretty nice as well. it's quite peaceful right now because our server is down (again). i basically can't do any work because i can't receive any e-mails. that sounds good, but it's actually terrible. when the server comes back up, all Hell will break loose.

hot damn.

The Conversation

Do you remember how we met?
Silhouetted by the lights
You were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with your hands.
I was thinking about that
And a bunch of other things
Stop looking at the floor,
I need to pour out this expansive dose of words.
I can't explain.
I need to be alone.

I know the timing isn't great
But these things you just can't plan.
I just need a little time
So I can find myself again
'Cause I get buried underneath
All the things they think you are
And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt to be left out

I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?

Don't ever change the way you are
I've never loved anyone more.

Glass Eye

i deleted my previous entry because it's just not how i feel anymore, and perhaps my perception on things was a little skewed by my momentary lapse in judgment.

there's really no need for this entry either, since the past is in the past and i've been completely content with the way things have unfolded. i was mad at first, certainly due to my ego, but then i realized that i really had nothing to be angry about. however, i feel the need to put this out there into the universe, because it will come back to me one day.


although i had come to certain realizations on my own over the past few days, my eyes were pried open even further by a recent conversation with a good friend. we'd been through our share of the good and the bad over the years, so he gave me some very constructive criticisms. in other words, he called me out on all the stupid shit i do. i've always been aware of my own flaws, but i suppose i was a tad bit blinded by all the "good things" i'd done, so all the dumb bullshit i was pulling had escaped my awareness. or i felt that the 2 polar opposites justified each other's existence. maybe.

the more i focused on my past actions, the more i realized what a mean person i can be sometimes. i can definitely be too honest and brutal with my words when i feel provoked... i admit it. i firmly believe that we are only responsible for our own actions, so i shouldn't have dignified my poor behaviors with those of another individual. just because someone else is making mistakes or acting below par, doesn't make it right for me to reflect it through my behaviors. after all, who am i to judge? i was only responsible for myself, and i messed that up. i need to constantly remind myself to always just be the best person i can be, even if things aren't going my way. i need to stop being a fuckin' child about always getting what i want.

in conclusion, there's no point in commenting on another person's actions or flaws, because that is not of my concern any longer. i've learned to let go of my need to have certain people in my life act a certain way towards me in order to comply to my own opinions of "how our friendship should be". it's all bullshit, really. me, me, me... grow the fuck up. i guess it's true what they say, we are our own toughest critics.


anything bad that may have happened, i have taken in stride.
bowing out gracefully :)

angry words won't suffice

[DELETED]

trust is so difficult to regain.

maybe later.

Inevitable?

how do we ever stop taking each other for granted?

it's the universal truth that once a person becomes accustomed to something or someone, whether it is due to excess exposure or the passing of time, that something or someone will eventually begin to lose their luster. there's really no preventing it, and it can be pretty sad. but is it ever anyone's fault?

that's the thing... i don't think anyone's ever to blame. i don't think we ever intentionally start to take people for granted, at least not the ones we truly care about. sure, we can all make more of an effort to count our blessings each day and stay grateful, but the values we hold in others drop as naturally as rainfall in April.

perhaps we should stop holding this against them.
you either walk away from it all, or you stay and accept it.

Letting Go vs. Hanging On

i've come to realize that some of the most difficult decisions in life deal with the question of letting go or hanging on. we've all been at that crossroad, and it never gets easier with time.

i often wonder which path displays more strength and maturity.

they say that when we let go of something, we're really just solidifying the possibility of its regeneration in the future. (and if we hold onto that hope, then aren't we really still hanging on?) however, in view that nothing's promised and tomorrow isn't ever guaranteed, we become so scared of losing what we have.


is it even a choice?
or do we just let go when we're unable to hang on anymore?

it's all very biological, this fight or flight nature in us.
we either stick it out, or we run, right?

Something

an update is long overdue, if you don't count the one that i'd posted and took off last week.

we're going to Vegas tomorrow. i was beyond excited up until yesterday morning. now, i'm just happy to go. i'm not jumping up and down over it. i haven't even packed yet. i don't know if i have any "nice clothes" to take. it should be fun, though. i'm happy to get away. just not looking forward to the sweltering heat awaiting our bodies.


how i'm looking forward to winter, you don't even know.
and the future.


i have many aspirations.
and they mostly involve me in the bedroom of a studio apartment in New York.


:)

Believe in the Good.

yesterday afternoon, i found myself in a position that i'm rarely ever in. i found out that someone's been saying some mean things about me (opinions, not even facts!). to my own surprise, i didn't really get angry, and instead i just brushed it off and thanked my friend who had alerted me to this. the truth was, it really didn't bother me, because the person who had said it is someone i don't care much for, and i understand that she thrives off of the negative attention that her foul tongue receives. whatever floats her boat, i suppose. and although it's still unknown to me and my friend which one of the 2 girls had actually said it first, i'm pretty sure i know who it is (and i'm usually right about these things). makes very little difference, though. they might as well be the same person.

the more and more i thought about it, the more irritated i became. (if only you knew how good i was to her when nobody else wanted her around.) and just as i was about to write her off as a stupid bitch for the 50th time, i remembered the good times we once shared. i became a little sad and disappointed in the way things had turned out, because i was the one who created the distance between us, simply because i couldn't "deal" with being her friend anymore. i never know who is to blame in these situations: the one who drove the other person away, or the one who just gave up on the friendship.

a thought began to repeat itself in my head. i believe in the good in people.
i think that helped more than anything else could have. there was no point in being negative and angry. we give in too easily.

as lame as it may sound, a quote has stuck with me ever since i'd heard it out of Natalie Portman's mouth.
"We've all got meanness in us, but we've got goodness too. And the only thing worth living for is the good. And that's why we've got to make sure we pass it on."

sometimes the world gets me a little carried away with anger, and if i ever have any regrets in my lifetime, it would be my moments of negativity. i wish i could practice what i preach, so that i would always be good and kind and loving to people around me. it's a dirty shame that i can't live up to my own principles.

we've only got ourselves to be responsible for.

Round Five

i really hope it isn't true what they say about growing up, that we all eventually realize who we're supposed to be around all the time, while we slowly drift away from others.



i don't want to drift apart from people.
i don't like change like this.
and without certain individuals in my life, i think i'd fall apart.


disaster.

Honest to Blog?

i have not blogged in a while, and i haven't the faintest idea why. writing has always been my release, along with painting and singing loudly in my car. well, "things" have been quite swell. i'm a happy camper!
i've been busy, though i'm not exactly sure why. i can never pinpoint the reason i'm busy. people often ask me what i've been up to, and my one response would be, "just working and hanging out." that's really all i do, yet i still have no time for anything else. for instance, i still have not cleaned my disaster area of a room. i am very, very ashamed of myself. in an attempt to sort out all of my possessions, i have made an even bigger mess. and that cute dresser? still in boxes.


so, a few of my closest friends are on tour right now with their bands. although i still have everyone else back home, it just feels different with them gone. i felt the same way last summer, too. i'm excited and happy for them, but i don't like feeling left behind or forgotten. i know i haven't been, but it's just a little disheartening. lame, i'm being a big baby.

in a way, i'm a tad jelly. i want to be out there having adventures in new & exciting places, too! i guess my best bet is to work hard now and save up money so that i can live out my dreams later. or i can just rob a bank. either way, what would be the point when i no longer have my youth? we're not promised tomorrow. i'd much rather grab life by the balls.

balls balls balls.


cheers.

Need a Fresh Start

i bought this baby yesterday:

i love it. it's cute, yet simple. and it doesn't clash with all the colors in my room. well, it's actually still just pieces of wood in a box, but i should be able to assemble it this weekend. i still have a lot of stuff waiting to be donated or thrown out before there is room for this. i had promised myself to focus on my room this past weekend, but i failed. i was out all day Saturday and Sunday. i hadn't planned on going out on Sunday, but life happens. well, if i hadn't gone out, i wouldn't have gotten this dresser. come to think of it, i probably can't assemble it this weekend because i might run off to Vegas after Jess's graduation. i suppose i need to get a move on during the week.


so i disappointed myself BIG TIME on Saturday night.
i did this thing where i let myself think all these irrationally dismal thoughts and then took my rage out on other people. i'm not sure what had ignited it, because i was having a great time prior to my inner-crazy. i think i was just tired, and then cranky, and then crazy. when that happens, everything adds to my anger, especially my own shame & annoyance with myself. when i got home, i was just so angry with myself. i realized that i had shut down for a while there, especially on the drive home, because i wasn't responding to other people's inquiries. naturally, i started to feel better within an hour of browsing the interweb. and it didn't hurt that Justine randomly sent me a picture message of her baby sister wearing a panda shirt. she wasn't aware of anything that was going on in my head, but the simple gesture helped me gain a lot of perspective. because if i really were the scummy asshole that i'd believed myself to be, would people still be contacting me about little things that remind them of me?

i love myself and my life, but i'm extremely critical of myself in terms of character and behavior. it's rather illogical since it makes a bad situation even worse when i let my temper get the best of me. i really have nothing to complain about, but i continue to torment myself with negative thoughts. old habits die hard. we're all just so used to being let down that we prepare ourselves for collisions that might never happen. but too much armor will weigh us down.


cheers.

Tired Eyes, Lusty Spirit

i haven't written in a while, due to the fact that i've been perfectly content, and there just hasn't been anything that i wanted to vent about.

the past couple of weeks have been sweet.
i got a spankin' new 15.4" laptop for free, courtesy of my boss. i haven't had a laptop since my old MacBook broke, so this is just great. the problem is, though, i stay up later now.
i also bought a new phone yesterday, after using the same one for 3 years. i'm loving it. it sure beats my old phone, which didn't have a QWERTY keypad and drove me nuts when i texted.

let's see...

i'm still a douchebag. totally flaking out on people all the time. (not purposely though.) i really need to stop double-booking.
i'm still in the process of cleaning my room. i've been attempting to for, what, a year now? the hardest part is throwing things away. things i will never miss once they're gone. i don't know why i'm so gotdang sentimental.
Jane is an inspiration to me. she posted the before & after pictures of parts of her room that she had cleaned up and re-arranged. i love it.



i think i do much better with spontaneity than planning.
why can't i be good at both?!


cheers.

Sweet, Sweet Nectar

it's raining!
what a beautiful surprise.
can't you just feel the slate being wiped clean?
i wish your slate would wipe clean.

i want so much more than what you have left to spare.

Not Interested

it is my belief that people who dwell on the past are living with one eye closed. they just can't see the big picture, and i don't understand that. we've all been through our share of bullshit in our lives. it's one thing to share your stories from time to time for the sake of conversation, but it's a different thing to remain emotionally damaged and isolated, which affects not only you but the people around you. everyone's sorry that bad things happened to you, but please, get your closure and move on.

i'm so sick of people's neuroses.

you've got to take control of your own life.

it's a universal truth that people will let you down.

expect it and accept it.

cheers.

Strangers

sometimes i wonder if other people wonder what i'm like, not to imply that people want to know me or anything. but just because i wonder about other people all the time. i like to browse Myspaces and blogs to look at how interesting people are. sometimes i re-visit the same person's site to "get more". i don't feel weird about it at all cuz i don't think you have to be someone's friend to enjoy their personality. i hope i don't come off as creepy. i'm just being honest. i wonder what jokes they would tell, what their relationship with their best friend is like, what adventures they have at 2AM and such.

same thing goes when i'm out in public. i look at people and i just wanna know what happened. i wish i knew everyone's stories. some people just look so interesting. it's a shame that i would never know anything about them. but then again, they're probably not as interesting as they look.

i think we all secretly want other people to find us interesting.

Tard.

yesterday at the office, something made me laugh so abruptly that i (boomingly) snorted. i was only a little embarrassed until someone looked at me with a "wtf" face. at that point, i started laughing more and louder to cover up my snort. but it was too late.

the damage was done.

Suck It Up, You Big Stupid Baby.

i haven't blogged in a while, contrary to the fact that i've had ever so much to say. i've written 2 entries that i never posted, which ultimately faced the "delete" button. i might have been too big of a coward to admit to myself and to whoever actually reading this blog that i've been feeling vulnerable. that and the fact that i couldn't really put everything into words, just groans and whiny noises. i was mired in my own negativity, feeling disgusted, confused, and scared. a cliché state of mind when you think everything's falling apart. but that's all over now, i believe. it's been a few days, and i've gained some perspective. i realized that things aren't half (nay, not even 1/4) as bad as my female mind had made them out to be. i definitely feel more like myself. more positive.

i feel a little silly for feeling so low in the past week or so.
i hate when i get all Moody Judy up on others.
and for that, je demande pardon.

Please Wait at the Gate

i spoke to Sean about my "problem" yesterday. i asked him, "do i have a wall up all the time?" he said, "no, not a wall, but you have a gate."

he explained that although i do generally keep people out, i selectively let some in after i've gotten to know them for a while. i never thought of it that way, but there was much truth to his words. i suppose that's good news, that not everyone feels like i'm shutting them out. i've had a share of people tell me otherwise, though. they say, "you always know more about other people than other people know about you." that's true, but i don't want it to be a bad thing. i feel that people get offended when they realize that i don't trust them. but it's not a personal attack at all, i just don't do well with trust.

i'm okay with the way i am.
but this has become an issue as of late.

i wish i could let certain people in more than i can,
because i feel that they can really be something special.

chuck this up to my fear of being attached to others.
everyone's a letdown.
i think i need to just suck it up.
doesn't help that i'm so shy...

Facing My Fears

there's nothing like the cold, hard realization that i'm completely terrified of commitment. i used to deny this fear, or maybe i just wasn't so scared back then. but i'm getting older & wiser, and relationships are supposed to be more meaningful now. i'm sick of games. if i want to settle down, i want to do it right.

i'm so scared of getting close.
i can't seem to let anyone in.
what the fuck?
i thought i was stronger than this.

i know i joke around with my friends that i'm "cold as ice", but it's not so funny when i'm pondering to myself why i can't seem to slow down. and what made me so cold? whatever it is, it's not worth it. i love that i'm independent and carefree, but i'm not totally indifferent at the same time. i feel like i'm at a standstill at the fork of a road, not knowing which way to go. and the dangerous part is, time isn't waiting for me.

sometimes the things we won't admit are the exact same things that we want other people to know.

i don't have a high opinion of myself.
i think everyone's going to hurt my feelings, so if i keep them outside of my wall, they can't hurt me. i've conditioned myself to feel nothing, but some forces are stronger than my own.

i feel like i'm constantly on an emotional diet. i deny myself of having feelings for people so that i don't run the risk of being shot down. well, now i'm hungry.


i'd say it's about time to plunge in head first with my eyes closed.
but then again,
i can't drown if i stay on dry land.

Like a Feather Caught in an Updraft...

the Past and the Future are merely concepts. they don't actually exist. the Present is the only fragment of time that's capable of sustaining itself in total clarity. but is it just for the second? or the nanosecond? time is so tricky.

in relation to the Past, there's memories and artifacts. but memories are never 100% accurate, and artifacts can be blemished. they are all too easily-manipulated.
in relation to the Future, we have plans and dreams. until those plans and dreams are realized, they do not exist. and when they do, they are no longer of the Future.


sometimes i feel like we're all just floating.

Filtered Filler

yesterday was my 6-month anniversary at work.
today, my car is in the shop getting major service diddled.
i'm thrilled for Champagnia. it's a total tune-up. she's going to feel so pampered and spankin' fresh :) and the mechanic's gonna mist-clean under her hood. everything's black right now, but it'll be shiny and new very soon.


so, i posted a bulletin last night with a very general thought that's been boggling my mind for a few weeks now.
are people forever tainted by their true colors, or can they be redeemed? basically, once we see someone in a different light, can we ever look at them the same again?

i received quite a few reponses from friends, all saying that they've pondered the same. i'm not surprised. there are always moments in our lives when we realize that someone we thought we knew wasn't so great after all. they shed their skin and we discover what they really are. that's when they're no longer linked to good memories and actions, and they become merely adjectives and nouns.
i'm sure you can relate.
but despite all that forgiveness crap (because i'm not talking about forgiveness right now), can we feel the same about someone after they've crossed that line? it always takes something big, doesn't it? or a mound of little things that have piled up over a number of months, just waiting to overflow and overcome your tolerance.

my answer for my own question is no. at least that's my answer for the time being. that's what i know so far, my own truth. that no, i cannot ever see someone the same again after they've broken a certain unspoken pact of friendship and loyalty. i just can't, as much as i have tried to. this isn't about forgiveness, because it's not so easy, not so black-and-white, not so much about what someone did wrong or right. i guess it's more of a respect thing. the respect and regard for oneself vs. the respect and regard for another human being... or rather, the lack there of?


cheers.

"Gay Around the World"

i just read through quite an interesting Oprah show. (since i'm in the office all day and i can't actually watch these shows on TV. hurray Oprah.com!)
it's today's show, actually, featuring some gay people's experiences coming out and the ignorance they've encountered in their countries. it's amazing how homosexuality is viewed and treated in such hostile ways. we're talking about life in prison, lashing, stoning, lynching, "honor killing", beheading, etc. what the fuck is wrong with this world that people still can't accept diversity? i mean, to call homosexuality an abomination and punishable by death? "look, he's gay. let's gather a mob and kill him." isn't that just a wee bit backwards? and totally ironic? i don't see how homosexuality is a crime while killing someone isn't.

i'm going to say, for the record, that i believe a lot of societies in this world are very, very backwards and completely ignorant. i recognize how pompous and "American" my view is, but i also know that i'm right.
i'm not saying that this gay "issue" doesn't exist in America. i am very aware of what is going on. as much as the economy sucks balls right now, i still feel grateful to be living in a society that is constantly fighting for equality. there are still plenty of close-minded simpletons out and about, but at least here we punish murderers...

ignorance is so last summer.


cheers.

Trivial Pursuits

i'm honest and i like to express my opinions, but is it so much so that others feel like i'm imposing my views and decisions on them?

i have this thing for words. i'm addicted and i can't stop.
i apologize in advance for coming off as arrogant and self-righteous.
naturally selfless people like myself tend to be pretty selfish in very trivial aspects of life.
i will go to the moon and back to bring you the stars, but i won't agree with your restaurant choice if i don't want to go there. quite the paradox.

does my stubborn nature help me sustain my dignity, or is it just off-putting? or both?
i just know that i hate relenting. i'm adament about what i want.

i'm not a push-over, nor am i passive or cowardice.
i'd rather tell you how i feel and what i want straight away, rather than complying to you and then complaining about it to someone else later. not my style. i'm not deceptive like that.

doesn't make me a bad person. doesn't mean i don't care about you.
what can i say? i likes what i likes.


cheers.

Bamboozle

amazing weekend, like always.
i finally got an overdue oil change on Saturday, which gave me an excuse to eat & shop with my favorite girl in the world. :)
then in the evening, i spent quality time with Aaron over sushi, before we headed down to JR's apartment for some drunken funfest. i had a blast hanging out with the awesome people i'd met at Paul's birthday party. i really like all them a lot :)

you know you had a great time when you had to pee 3 times at the party, and once more right after you got home. <3

i got to sleep at around 3, but had to wake up at 8:30. i laid in bed til 8:50. haha
then Bamboozle Left allllllllllllllllllllllllll day.
the GREAT thing was that i didn't have to pay. luckily, Larry had an extra ticket for me, otherwise i would've been stuck with paying $35 for food/drinks, $20 for gas, AND $50 for entry. then i wouldn't have been happy about the fact that i really only watched 3 or 4 bands in the 10+ hours i was there.

Dear Life did me proud. i think they sounded really good despite the fact that it was outdoors.
ADTR was energetic as hell. i loved it. the singer couldn't really carry the vocals as well live, but he made up for it with his spunk & enthusiasm. i've loved this band for months and this was my first time seeing them live, so that's something.
oooooh, we got a special treat during The Sleeping's set. Thomas from The Fall of Troy was subbing in for their guitarist, so they did "F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X."! :D how great was that?!
Erica and i were "bi-curious" so we went to watch Jeffree Star's set. awww, it made us laugh like crazy because of how intensely "sexual" it was... and by "sexual", i mean corny. some guy yelled out, "show us your dick!" and Jeffreak responded with "show me yours first! yeah, i bet you have a small dick anyway, so shuttup."
i had wanted to catch all of MCR's set, but i was way tired and not down. to my surprise, i didn't even know the first 2 songs they played. we skedaddled outta there during the 2nd song. luckily, leaving early meant we beat the traffic that would've been CHAOS going out of the parking lot. 10 points for that.


my ass is really sore.

Truth

"i don't care what other people think."

we've all heard it. we've all said it.
but it's not true.

it's a defense mechanism. if we proclaim it to the world that other people's opinions about us don't matter to us, then they can't hurt us. it's almost like being in denial, trying to convince oneself that nothing we do/feel is affected by other people's feelings and actions.

yes, our indifference lies on a spectrum. nobody cares how they look when they're just taking out the trash, or even when they're mingling with their close friends. it's a conditional mechanism, this whole "not caring" bullshit.
i guess we should really say, "i don't care what other people think of __________ when __________."


i don't care what other people think of how i look when i'm at work.
i don't care what other people think of how i look when i'm feeling shitty.
i care what other people think of how i look when i'm out to have a good time.
i care what other people think about my character most of the time.

it's good to care. we have to care in order to maintain good relationships with the people around you.
unfortunately, some people just don't care enough.
they don't care that they've left their friends out in the cold after they were "done" with them. they don't care about honoring the truth.


it's not bad to care about what other people think, but it's dangerous to only care about yourself.
there are some other words to describe that.


if you think about it,
would a person need to proclaim that they're beyond other people's criticisms when that, in fact, is true?

10 Truths to Transform Your Life

1. Gratitude is the most transformative force in the cosmos, because gratitude is love. "When our hearts are broken, we don't think we have much to be thankful for. We don't have to be smiling when we say 'Thank you.'"

2. Your happiness increases the happiness of everyone who knows you. "We have so much. All we have is all we need. All we need is the awareness of how blessed we really are."

3. Whether we live passionately or not is a choice we make. When writers write, the most important emotion is conveyed between the lines. "I want to live in between the lines, where the depth is."

4. Those who live passionately teach us how to love. Those who love passionately teach us how to live.

5. Big changes come with small choices. "Little changes [and] little choices add up to be revolutionary changes in your life."

6. The more risks you take, the luckier you become.

7. Nothing hurts you more than your expectations. "If you trust life and learn to embrace it and try not to control everything, then life can be more wondrous than you thought it would be."

8. Our relationships with others are only as emotionally healthy, happy, holy and content as our relationships with ourselves.

9. The only wound your soul never recovers from is regret. "What I know for sure is that we don't have the luxury of regret any more. The past only asks to be remembered."

10. Cherish each morning and give thanks for each evening.


- Sarah Ban Breathnach

D.A.D. - A Reflection

i really love my friends.
we have done seemingly everything together, if not as a whole group, then as fragments of the group. we've gone grunion-running (failed attempt, no less fun), partied in Vegas, recorded original or covered songs, played at various amusement parks, made the white people stare in Arizona, rode a party bus to Hollywood, trespassed private properties, accompanied each other to potentially boring/awkward/rapist situations, discussed life at the top-of-the-world, discussed life everywhere else, aimless drives, countless shows, sleepovers like brothers and sisters and soulmates and spooners, and the list goes on for days.
we took our experiences to yet another level this past week. about 18 of us were present for Mrs. Honrado's funeral service. that's a fairly large number considering the fact that it was 1PM on a Tuesday, when most people would be at work or school. i know for a fact that at least 4 or 5 of us did skip work to be there. i also know that a lot of people really couldn't make it, but they were very well aware of everything that was happening and sent their deepest condolences and prayers. it was naturally a very sad afternoon, yet i couldn't help but feel uplifted by the love of my friends. we truly, truly from the depth of our hearts, care for each other. even though we all bicker at times, a little drama here and there, bruised egos and whatnot, we will still be there for each other at the end of the day.

i have always felt that this family we have here is unlike 99% of any other (beyond the fact that there's like 50 of us, and we'd go everywhere together). when we all started hanging out 3 years ago, we were immediately drawn to each others' personalities and interests. we would hang out every single night of the summer, and every single weekend when it wasn't summer. oh, the plans we made and the adventures we had. we always tried to outdo our previous events and added little twists to the nightly fun. remember Cage Match night? ha, that was the night i fell and left my knee with a heart-shaped scab (which i ended up showing EVERYONE because i thought it was so cool, and also because i was drunk). that seriously feels like 10 years ago.
there were the people who came and went, friends of friends, but we would always maintain a very large and amazing group in and of ourselves. there was no place we could go where we didn't demand the attention of the entire room/vicinity. the sad thing was, we all predicted that it wouldn't last. nothing this good could ever be forever. i'm really not sure if we were right or wrong, although i must say, it is quite rare to get the entire group together nowadays. now, it has to take a birthday or a big party or something really special to get everyone's attention. back in the day, one person would call you to go to someone's house, and when you showed up, everyone else would be there too. it wouldn't take anything more.
times have changed, but no one is to blame. we've all grown 3 years older and now we have more priorities that trump hanging out. people naturally and inevitably drift apart. we've also divided into different cliques, some very natural, and others intentional. people have shown their true colors, and we are no longer innocent. it is now time to stick to those we feel the closest to, because the others would be elsewhere. but looking past all of that, i believe we still love one another like brothers and sisters, even if there is division. maybe some people are just step-brothers and step-sisters :)

i guess what i have to say is, even though we don't spend time all together as often as we used to, we are still a happy family. the love and support within this group is and always will be the glue that holds us together, even when we are apart. i really miss the old days when we were still innocent, still oblivious to the fact that certain people would just not get along with each other, or that a "family member" could betray you (even after all the time, heart, and money you'd invested in your friendship). i miss the days when we'd just get intoxicated all the time, all the while knowing that we weren't really there for the alcohol. simpler days are behind us. we're still doing good.

3 years.
and hopefully many, many more.
i can't wait for the weddings, babies, first homes, and other milestones in the years ahead.
<3

Short Version: I Had Fun.

i had the most amazing Saturday night. the entire night consisted of mostly people i'd never met, so it was quite refreshing. plus, there was no tension between different cliques. everyone was just out to have a great night and to celebrate our beloved Paul's birthday.

dinner at BJ's (where else?) and after-party = funnest shit ever.

Paul has the most interesting network of friends, i must say. everyone was so good-looking, friendly, and generous with compliments! they flattered me to bits & pieces. i'm still glowing.

oh yes, and it was my first time taking jello shots. i didn't even know what those were before then. i had to use my fingers. such a n00b.
haha i'm wayyy too used to just downing beer or doing shooters with the fam (which has what, like 90% guys?). i'd almost forgotten what it was like to drink like a girl.

overall, a fantastically colorful night filled with laughter, inebriation, Menthols, "i fuckin' love you"s, and flashing lights. :)

dang, the trip to CVS for Pepcid AC totally paid off. i did not get red at all. maybe slightly pink, but nothing more. that made me very excited everytime i went to the bathroom to pee.


i'm so down.

Heaven Has a New Angel

Marky's mom passed away yesterday.
when i found out, i couldn't contain a single thought in my head. all i could feel was worry and shock. nobody saw it coming. i'd thought the worst was over.
i can't speak for him. because no matter how unfortunate this all is and how sad it has made me feel, i can never fully understand. all we can do now is to be there for Mark and respect any time he may need to recuperate. it will take some time, but time heals everything.

my memory of her is nothing but pleasant. she made me laugh so much even though she was in such physical and mental anguish. but now, she's in a better place. nay, the best place :) she fought for a good while, but God has decided to relieve her of her pain and grant her eternal life in His palace. she finally gets to rest. she can run around now and eat anything she wants, and i bet she's enjoying it.

time to be strong and look to places that will lead to happiness, comfort, and serenity. after all, what are friends for? sleepovers & movie nights don't sound so bad, right? love is a powerful thing.

Happy Faces

last night was very reminiscent of the good old days.
David was next door, as always, so we decided to drive to two closed Wendy's. HA! Patrick was there too, of course, just like old times. :) i rather missed that life, just driving around aimlessly, sometimes drinking and smoking, but always talking about everything and throwing out sick ideas. dang, we talked about getting Disneyland annual passes and going there every week on shrooms or ganj. hahahaha it's the greatest idea ever. and it's also tempting. $260 isn't even expensive for the 315-days one.

deterrents:
1.) the drive & high gas prices.
2.) fuckin' strollers.
3.) lines & crowds
... despite all that, it's still totally worth it and i'm so down :)


i want to paint my room. yessums!
our office is getting re-painted everywhere and it looks so fun that i want to do it too. plus, my walls have gotten pretty dirty over the years. oh, darn my dirty little hands.

no deep thoughts today.
i'm starting this thing where i don't waste time thinking and making theories about people who aren't worth a damn minute of my life.
:)

"Be Positive"

even just saying those words in my head makes me feel a little more positive. i have to admit, lately my mind has been clouded with various negative thoughts that wouldn't go away. and when that happens, don't we always find ourselves dwelling deeper into other meaningless things? i don't like this.

i'm trying to rid all the clutter and find my center.
i find happiness in simply focusing on the aspects of life that i love. i like to picture an open road taking me anywhere i want to go. makes me all giddy inside.

a few of my friends are going through tough times involving their families right now. i can't help but feel bad about the fact that i'm not going through the same ordeal, so i may not fully understand how they feel. the biggest problem in my family is just anger management. my parent's health have gotten much better over the years of a reformed lifestyle. i'm grateful that we're doing just fine, but i'm worried about the other families that i've come to genuinely care about over the past year.
i hate seeing my friends trapped in horrible circumstances that they cannot change. i know it's easy to feel defeated right now, but i want them to find comfort, strength, and hope, and see the light in places that were once dark.

because home is where the heart is, and family is home.

Le Sexy Fruit

what is it about eating a banana that just makes you feel like a fuckin' champ? do you feel that way too, or am i alone on this? i don't know. i think it's the way you grip it with your entire fist, and you can take whole bites with your chompers while you're gripping it. you can't do that with an apple, you know? because apples are round and you have to bite around them. and sometimes the apple touches your nose and then you have to wipe your nose. fuck that! plus, bananas have no seeds! and peeling is as easy as 1-2-3. eating one makes me feel like a big monster eating the tiny people in the village i'm attacking.

i don't know.
i just feel so boss when i eat a banana.

Intentions vs. Actions

it doesn't really matter whether or not you have good or bad intentions, it really doesn't fuckin' matter. it's your actions that exemplify your state of mind and reveal your true character. "actions speak louder than words." come on, we all know this by now.

if you don't intend to lie, yet you never spill the truth, then you are, in fact, a liar.

you can good-intention your ass off to the world, but what you do speaks to who you are. your selfish acts will not go unseen. but it really is okay, though, for the people around you, because you're the one who has to live with yourself at the end of the day.

you'd like to think that your actions don't have consequences, but they do. and whether or not you even care, you are losing respect.
even if nobody gets hurt from your actions, the validity of your so-called friendship will become questioned. when the outcome is unknown, and you still take the dive, you are then risking someone else's happiness for the sake of your own.
that's when you become spilled milk.

They Work Hard, They Play Hard

busy weekend, this one was -- not a lot of sleep and way too much driving. Daylight Savings kicked my ass. i'm so tired that i came to work on time so that i can go home on time to sleep. i've also lost my voice. being sick was a likely factor, but i'm pretty sure last night's show sealed the deal.

sick girl hitting up her favorite store, Target, to get her new favorite tissue:

this is such an amazing product! it used to just be a cute commercial to me, but now it is my nose's best friend. it is incredibly soft, and you can really feel the lotion inside. mmmhmm :) i <3 Procter & Gamble.

so another politician is in the news today facing a scandal. "New York governor involved in prostitution ring." big whoop. everybody knows that rich old men pay to get laid. that, or they have affairs. or they launder money. same old story. the interesting part of the article was the rates that these prostitutes go for. based on how "good" they are, a whore can charge up to $5,500 an hour! i wonder how much of the money actually goes to the whores themselves. even if they get only half of what they earn, it's still a lot of money! i mean, for an hour?! a measly hour of taking it and faking it? easy money, no income tax. dignity and self-respect: what's that? oh, prostitution. good game.

and what's with the wives always standing by their husbands' side while they make an embarrassing public apology? bullshit. what a political stunt. don't they know that they're only making a mockery of themselves? more than likely, they're getting something out of it. the last say in every discussion? a summer share in the Hamptons? Kobe!

Mo Money, Less Problems

one of the good things about my job is that i get to be surrounded by older people with lots of real-world experiences, willing to share their wisdom. i feel even more inspired now to save money and not spend so much on pointless objects that only bring temporary highs.

i've made a plan for myself and i need to stick to it.

from this day forth, i shall be frugal and proficient with my resources.

i declare this aloud so that i may feel the pressure to follow through. i need the pressure.

i'll still spend money on things that make me feel happy, fulfilled, and inspired, but i will need to re-evaluate what those things are.

travelling is definitely something i still plan to invest in, as costly as it may be. that will never change.

the future starts today :)
get excited!

Feed the Hungry

i fed 300 children today.
it's a great feeling.

the smallest contribution can do so much.
i've never donated to any causes outside of Darfur, but i feel very safe with my money in the hands of the World Food Programme, the largest humanitarian agency in the world. it is the food aid branch of the U.N. that feeds about 90 million people a year.

i think it's amazing that people can spend all their money on cigarettes, alcohol, clothes, etc, and yet, not give a penny to those who just need food to survive.

we're not all millionaires, but we can give what we can.
being brought up in a Christian environment, i've seen my mother donate money week after week, money that she wouldn't even give her own kids to spend. that woman had it right. as a child, i actually thought she was foolish for giving her money away without getting anything in return. i think a lot of grown-ups today still have that mindset!

people have this mentality that their money is their money, because they earned it (or got it from their parents). i think that's sad, considering there are those who are born into extreme poverty, decaying warzones, and no opportunity.

we have it so much better than them.
and i admit, i can be a spendthrift myself at times. but i really am trying to help now.
i should really cut down on my spendings, focus on saving more money and making contributions every month.
that's definitely the goal.

:)


http://www.wfp.org/
http://www.friendsofwfp.org/

Rude Awakening

so our dear roofers came to fix our roof today.
at 8 in the morning.

and they didn't stop, nay. when i left for work at 8:55, they were still banging away.
i laid in bed for 30 minutes with them just hammering right above my room. i was way too sleepy to get up, so i had to simply lay there and accept it. (that's what she said!) anyway, it was so sad. you should've seen me. so, so sad. haha

the best part about the whole ordeal was that there was nothing wrong with the roof.
i think they were just renovating it if anything. it definitely made for an interesting morning. and by "interesting", i mean awful.

have a nice day :)

Destiny and Choices

i have just made the most glorious purchase.
please, set your faces to jealous:

anyone who hasn't seen this movie needs to. it is beyond magical, imaginative, and effortless moving. it gave me the most beautiful feelings when i was a child. you have no idea how envious i was of these 2 girls.

yesterday was very... fateful.
when i arrived at Cal Poly (aka. The Devil's Toilet), i parked in the meters section and headed towards Studio 6. when i got into the CLA building, i realized that i'd forgotten my cell phone in the car. i pondered for just a second whether or not i needed my phone. something told me yes, so i went back to get it. upon my retrieval of the cellular device, i headed back towards the building. then, just as God had intended, i bumped into my Jess, whom i'd been trying to contact earlier in the day (but couldn't because her cell phone had a whack attack and had to be turned off). i caught her up on the recent "happenings", she gave her 2 cents, then we parted ways.
i brought Andy a cheeseburger combo from the awesome Nogales Burger, since he doesn't live in this area and had never had it. he liked mucho, and we had fun catching up in Studio 6. it was a trip since i used to be in Studio 6 all the time, not as a mere visitor, but as a student trying to get her shit done.
during my visit, i received a very pleasant phone call from Sean-Paul. had i not gone back to get my phone, i would've been sorry to miss it. it just so happened that he was next-door at SAC. although i decided to stay at Poly, i still got to hear about some new developments in his life.

good ol' destiny. and the world keeps on spinnin'.


today = month end at work = slow as hell.
nothing's happening.
i'm so bored!

Azusa show tonight.
i support you in your decisions & pursuits, but do you support mine?
friendship: it's a two-way street.
lose your fuckin' judgment.


Happy Friday!

Squeeze-Worthy = Plans

lately i've been making plans with people that i don't ever see.
so today, i get to visit my dear Andrew Jameson Hall while he's working at Cal Poly :)
i'm excited! we always have fun just talking talking talking.
not very stoked about being at my ex-school, though.

i might even meet up with the BFFF! how great is my life?! hahaha :)

what's even more exciting is that i get to visit my dear friend Bradley next week. Bradley and i haven't seen each other since i was a freshman in college (and he was practically graduating. haha). it has sure been a while. since his graduation, he's moved to Manhattan Beach. he lives alone, so i get to make lots of noise in his house. haha so i researched Manhattan Beach, since i'd never been there, and found that it contains 88.99% white people. OF COURSE. haha i'm going to make him take me around town. i'm totally down to hit a bar or something.

i love love love love new places :)


tomorrow is the Azusa show at Chain. yay! familyyyy, assemble!
i miss the fam all gathered together in one place.
we don't do that often anymore. :(
does it have to take a birthday to get everyone together nowadays?
but i suppose we all have other things going on...
maybe this summer, we'll be back to the way we were?
awww... the way we were.


one thing i'm grateful for is that i'm not afraid to be alone.
i don't need to always be involved with someone to feel validated.
i can find my own fun. everywhere! <3

Get Ready to Smile

let's go to the zoo.

Gloomy Days, Gloomy Daze

everyday is a reason to celebrate.


for me, the dark & gloomy sky is a reason in itself. i absolutely love it!
i don't know, i just think that when the sun's radiance is subdued, we're allowed to see the world through our own eyes with no bias. we can discover things for ourselves, rather than being pointed to a certain direction. dark days. just so darn romantic.


another reason for joy?
my credit score has gone up again. it is now at the highest it's ever been. i'm proud of myself! it's been on the rise since last summer, however, it took a small plunge from December to January (hello, Christmas!). but now i'm back :) and higher than before. it's a small victory, i understand, but i'm just darn happy about it. i know it seems like i spend a lot of money, but i always put my bills first. whenever i get paid, i put about 60% of it towards paying my credit card, then about 15% to my savings account, and the rest is spendin' money! i admit, i do cheat sometimes and spend money from my savings, but whatever :T i get paid tomorrow, which means my credit card balance will become a big fat ZERO :) hurray!

i didn't mean to blabber so long on this subject. i got excited.


i want chicken MCnuggets.
chicken MCnuggets are the best nuggets around.
why so expensive? :/ why no more Dollar Tuesdays?



adventurous, i feel.

Log of My Weekend Feb. 15-17

i had a very jam-packed weekend.

on Friday afternoon, Jenn, Mark, Nancy, and i drove to Vegas so that Jenn could give a very special surprise :) it worked. everyone was happy. and then drunk. i had lots of fun. i would've liked it better if we had made it on time to see all of MAH's set, but the rest of the night made up for it. unfortunately, we were tired as hell. it was a very mutual decision to go home, and not spend the night in the packed hotel room meant for the band & its roadies. we left after 4AM and got home at around 9. as exhausted as i was, i couldn't pass up precious Felicity time, and watched 3 episodes before knocking out.

woke up at 5PM to get ready for another MAH set at the Glasshouse. 16 fuckin' dollars for an AIDEN show, that seriously pissed me off. the Vegas show was only $14. anyway, watched MAH's set and left the place. got home at a little past midnight. more Felicity. still tired as hell from the previous day, knocked out.

meant to go to Sprinkles on Sunday, but laziness (and the not-wanting-to-drive-so-far-ness) took over. more Felicity. knocked out sometime in the afternoon, waking up at 5PM. panicked a little bit, showered, got ready. met up with Scott, went to the Glasshouse again. EMERY! sold-out show. amazing :) for being sick, they had incredible energy. it was kinda funny that a bunch of kids left after Emery played their "last" song, without having played "Studying Politics" yet. (duh.) that was cool because it freed up a lot of room for me to get excited during "Politics". and i just have to say, "Walls" was fucking intense.


speaking of shows, Dear Life got on Bamboozle Left. i'm extremely happy for them, but not too surprised. i can't wait to see what the future has in store for this band. this is their year, and hopefully Azusa and DSB will soon follow. i'm just so proud, because this is my family. i've watched these brothers for the past 2 and a half years. the progress has been lengthy, but fruitful. from being support to headliners, becoming demanded in farther & farther areas of this country, gaining respect and loyal fans within the local scene, sharing line-ups with bigger and bigger bands, and on and on and on. the thing i love most, hands down, is watching kids sing along/(yell?) to their songs. i wouldn't be sad if they don't "make it". i'm happy knowing that they're doing what they love to do, with all of the family right beside them. why else would we spend $10 each time to watch the same thing over and over again? :)


all i know is, if and when Dear Life releases a 3rd album under a major label, a certain guitarist is getting me a Vespa.

;)