Need a Fresh Start

i bought this baby yesterday:

i love it. it's cute, yet simple. and it doesn't clash with all the colors in my room. well, it's actually still just pieces of wood in a box, but i should be able to assemble it this weekend. i still have a lot of stuff waiting to be donated or thrown out before there is room for this. i had promised myself to focus on my room this past weekend, but i failed. i was out all day Saturday and Sunday. i hadn't planned on going out on Sunday, but life happens. well, if i hadn't gone out, i wouldn't have gotten this dresser. come to think of it, i probably can't assemble it this weekend because i might run off to Vegas after Jess's graduation. i suppose i need to get a move on during the week.


so i disappointed myself BIG TIME on Saturday night.
i did this thing where i let myself think all these irrationally dismal thoughts and then took my rage out on other people. i'm not sure what had ignited it, because i was having a great time prior to my inner-crazy. i think i was just tired, and then cranky, and then crazy. when that happens, everything adds to my anger, especially my own shame & annoyance with myself. when i got home, i was just so angry with myself. i realized that i had shut down for a while there, especially on the drive home, because i wasn't responding to other people's inquiries. naturally, i started to feel better within an hour of browsing the interweb. and it didn't hurt that Justine randomly sent me a picture message of her baby sister wearing a panda shirt. she wasn't aware of anything that was going on in my head, but the simple gesture helped me gain a lot of perspective. because if i really were the scummy asshole that i'd believed myself to be, would people still be contacting me about little things that remind them of me?

i love myself and my life, but i'm extremely critical of myself in terms of character and behavior. it's rather illogical since it makes a bad situation even worse when i let my temper get the best of me. i really have nothing to complain about, but i continue to torment myself with negative thoughts. old habits die hard. we're all just so used to being let down that we prepare ourselves for collisions that might never happen. but too much armor will weigh us down.


cheers.