We Need a Resurrection

i feel like i've reached a point in my life where something needs to change. i'm not sure what exactly, but it feels like it has to do with my ambitions and goals. i'm currently at a standstill. when people ask me what i want to do with my life, and i tell them that i don't know, i always get a sneaking suspicion that they think i'm lying. surely, a person cannot have NO passion for anything in life? i do have passions and dreams, yet, i don't think i'm capable enough as of right now to pursue them sucessfully. i was your typical dreamer back in the day. i still sort of am, but i've put a cap on that whole deal and stepped into reality. the dreams themselves have also gotten fuzzy in the past few years as i grew to see LIFE more clearly. i've been told that i need to just go after and try out different things to get more perspective, but i honestly just have no desire.

when i stopped going to school a year ago ("dropped out" are such nasty words...), i made a very bold decision that was completely out of character. i kept a casual attitude about it in front of others, but i could not stop the loud voices in my head asking myself what i was doing. in retrospect, i'd made the right decision for me, but i somewhat still can't believe i did that. i had 3 years worth of college credit/education under my belt, not to mention all the tuition & book fees & art supply fees i'd paid out of my own pockets from balancing 2 back-to-back jobs, all the while avoiding loans and debt. i did myself proud, but i did not cross the finish line. instead, i started going down a completely different path. most people can't comprehend that concept, and it's not their fault because the whole thing sounds totally stupid. i believe somewhere along the lines of "finding myself through education", i became more lost than ever. i was overwhelmed with ambition and a feeling of incompetence at the same time. i needed to pull myself out of a destined failure, so i did. it wasn't about the grades, it was about the lack of satisfaction and fulfillment.

not going to lie, i do miss learning so much. being in school gave me this drive to be great. it helped me believe that i could really make an impact on the world. ha, nowadays, the daily grind owns me.

my passion in art has fizzled away in the past year or so, and it truly devastates me. i constantly tell myself to just pick up my damn brushes, but this really isn't a case of mind over matter. i suppose it's heart over EVERYTHING. but the heart is, how you say, not feeling for much lately.


my dreams used to run so wild.
now i sit in an office for 40 hours a week.
the price i paid for stability... how i miss my vigour.


enough is enough!
(easier said than done.)