Not So Friendly

this is embarrassing to admit, but i sorta kinda sorta kinda kinda find myself quite drawn to someone lately. and i really shouldn't be, because there's no freakin' way that he'd actually see me in the same light. i don't even talk to him that much, so i'm not really sure where this recent infatuation came about.

sometimes i fear that i will forever be trapped in the ever-so-appealing Friend Zone. i mean, it's brought me so much comfort and joy, and i shouldn't complain because i'm blessed to have these amazing people in my life. but there are definitely days when i curse it to the fiery pits of Hell.

in the end, what really brings people together to form friendships? the fact that they get along really well and have fun and are able to instill trust in each other, right?? and if you have all that, then don't you have a great relationship as it is? and while i'm on this thread of thought, i'd like to point out that a friendship is a form of "relationship", and usually lasts longer than that of a typical boy/girl "situation". so what's missing? just the physical stuff? the romance? the actual feelings? what if they're actually there, but just being hidden under denial? because, let's face it, there's hardly any social situation more awkward than that of expressing affection to a friend who: 1) you care about. 2) you are afraid of losing. 3) you'd still like to continue seeing without feeling embarrassed after being rejected.

i believe that we all get a kick (big or small) out of special conversations, glances, hugs, what have you. but when it's with a friend, you can't really enjoy that to the full extent. it's almost against the rule or something. and, as eloquently as i can put it, i fuckin' hate that shit. and it happens to all of us. whoever says that they've never had a more-than-friendly thought towards a friend is a liar and deserves to be beaten down with a stick. true, there are those whom we'd never see in that light, but there are definitely lots of those who shine brighter.

i guess the thing that sucks about being in the Friend Zone is when you'd like to get out of it, but that one person is keeping you in it. and it's not as if you can look the other way when that person is purusing someone else, no. you are their friend, so you're there at all those social events to observe all of the attention being directed to Not You. and you wonder why you're so scared to even send a hint.

i'm done ranting for now.
don't take me too seriously.