we are all the same people, with sinning hearts that make us equal.

i find that i've been casually thinking about someone in the past, lately. i don't miss him, but thoughts of him pop in my head here & there. i even dreamt about him last night. we didn't do anything, we just hung out. it's quite odd. we haven't spoken in nearly 2 years, and i'd let him go very quickly. since we stopped talking, i never even missed him at all. when it ended, it ended right then & there, no remanent feelings.
but lately i've been wondering how he's doing. you know, just wondering.
i even have the urge to call him up, just to say hi and let him know that there's no hard feelings.
the only reason i haven't called or texted is because i doubt that he would pick up.
he has made it clear that he no longer wants to have anything to do with me, since i pretty much almost ruined him life. i guess i lacked the maturity 2 years ago to NOT ruin his life, plus it was my first time being involved in that sort of situation. (okay, maybe it was sort of my 2nd time.) however, in my defense, i gave him a choice to let it go, but he was adamant that he still wanted to see me.

the whole situation was both of our faults. we share equal responsibility.
however, the blame was placed squarely on me and me only.
i was the one who caused it, according to many people's beliefs.
hell yeah, i was bitter. i was bitter that i got blamed for it.
and you know why that was? because he lied. he lied to them about the degree of his involvement, about all the things he had told me, all that we were. he lied because he could. because he knew that i was too nice to feed him to the lions. i had the chance to tell the truth, but i didn't. and i still haven't. in most cases, the truth sets you free; but in this case, i'm afraid it would only cause more unnecessary pain, ultimately doing no good for anyone.
someone had asked for the truth with a "pleeease", covered with tears; but i still couldn't do it. sometimes it's better not to know. i spared you more pain than you would ever need to know. just remember that.


and as for me?
i hate being a fuckin' scapegoat, every fuckin' time.

a similar situation occurred THREE years ago, when an ex-boyfriend lied about something and placed the blame entirely on me. as a result, some really black-hearted, church-going Korean fucks became really really angry and attempted to take their anger out on my body. i told them the truth though, in that case, but they didn't care. they merely wanted to get even. in the end, i wasn't the one who got hurt. i'll tell you that much.

come to think of it,
i used to make some pretty bad decisions.
i wonder how i would act if i were thrown into the same situation today. i wonder if i would walk away in the beginning to avoid all unpleasantness, or if i would test the waters and see where life takes me.

maybe that was my problem all along -- that i believed too much in living without consequences, or maybe i just took advantage of a situation where i wouldn't be the one left with a permanent scar.

who knows?


my sinful heart does not lie.