Jimmy Fallon just got married.
fuck my life.

i was so in love with him (haha) all of high school.
siiiiiiiigh.
i should seriously stop reading the news!


speaking of high school...
i've been spending more time with my "high school friends" for the past few days, since they're on winter break.
yeah, i hate the term "high school friends", but it only means that i became close to them in high school. they're more like life-long friends :)

it great to see that everyone's doing so well.
and of course, i'm the only single girl in the group.
yup, true story.


all of us spent time together on Wednesday night to catch up on our ever-changing lives. it's nice to see that everything pretty much stays the same no matter how much time passes. i felt like i had nothing to tell them about my life, even though i had been through so much in the past few years. i felt like nothing was significant enough. i still had fun, though, just listening to other people's stories.

on Saturday night, Jess and i went over to Steph's apartment in Irvine to spend the night. although we stayed in, it was one of the best nights i've had in a long time. all we did was eat, talk, and OF COURSE, watch "Sex and the City" :) we even successfully made rotee! well, Steph made it. haha

dang, we stayed up until 6AM just talking. in about 6 hours, we were up again watching "Sex and the City" once more. hahaha finally at 2PM, we dragged our asses out of the house to eat lunch & shop. i didn't buy as much as i'd wanted to, which was a may-jahh disappointment.


i had a great weekend.
but i have no plans for tonight!
why is it that i have something to do every night, but nothing on New Years Eve?! :(((
but then again...
it's a night like any other night...
hmmm.

NO WORK TOMORROW!


haha what a boring entry.
but i just wanted to write SOMETHING.
thanks.

Bullshit

i may be in a bit of a nasty mood right now because i just found out that Benazir Bhutto was assassinated.


why?
because we live in a fucked-up world.


_______________________________________________

1:10PM
i feel funny right now.
i looked up to her and respected her tremendous courage, upon her return from exile and house arrest.
i could hardly believe it. i had to check all my news sources to see that it was true.

i feel low.
angry.
i'm losing faith in the good of mankind.

she was woman of conviction.
she knew what was at risk but she proceeded to fight.


it makes me so sad that some worthless piece of shit could take her life, among the lives of many others.


her assassination marks another chapter in the disintegration of all that is good.



i feel like crying.



rest in peace.

i like how

people assume that i give to get something back.


that's bullshit.




those of you who KNOW me know that i give because it makes me feel good and that i like making people happy. but when people don't appreciate that, that's when it's fucked up. and therefore they are undeserving.

and like i said in my previous post:
"i didn't even want any material things."


i didn't make anyone do anything for me.
i simply put it out there that, hey, i would like it if you could make me a card or write me something sweet so i can treasure it forever.
i left the choice to you.

i don't like it when people aren't grateful for others who are good to them.


ya hearrrrrrrd?

Christmas Eve Me

aye, Christmas Eve.
i'm at work.
and i've already run out of things to do here.

a lot of our clients are on break, so they're not placing their usual daily orders.
i've already typed out the back orders for today, but i can't turn them in yet.
i'm really tired because i had work til 2AM this morning, but stayed up til 4. i haven't been this tired in a while since i always sleep so much nowadays. haha


i haven't seen my family since Friday. what a weird feeling.
the past couple days of living by myself have been really, really nice.

i mean, i still do the same things i usually do, but i just feel freer. when i come home, i know that i don't have to talk to anyone. i usually don't like to talk much at home. not because i don't like my family, but that i need a time in my day all to myself, and that's usually when i'm home. my alone time keeps me sane.


some of us had dinner Saturday night. it was a Christmas/Thank You dinner for Mr. and Mrs. Apostol. it was cute, being with my close friends like that. eating (a lot of) bread, bagging on each other, taking pictures, stealing oil & vinegar... hahaha we so precious.


last night i had a really nice conversation with Franky. we talked about parents, friends, reputations, etc. it was refreshing. it sucks because a lot of people don't understand him. everyone knows who he is, you know, that tall guy at every show who usually ends up hurting someone. however, people take that for all he is, when that's simply not the case. i like to get to know people, it makes me feel more connected with every element of the world. i want to live as many different lives as i can before i die. i want to evolve into different personas and definitions. i don't think we should live our lives being known as just one thing and one thing only.


i seriously wanna travel so badly.
i thought of it on my drive home from AE this morning.
i thought, wouldn't it be great if i could just see the world?
yeah, it would be.


i'm so fucking bored.
i wish i had friends at work :(

we could talk about everything.

This is My Time, This is My Time to Shine

i don't know what to write about.
i'm just really bored.
let's see...


my iPod Classic came the other day.
i've been busy uploading music, which is probably the most fun you can have with an iPod.


so a friend of mine has stopped talking to me for no reason. (at least none that i know of.)
it's fucked up on his part, since i have a Christmas present for him and everything. i just stare at the present in my room and get mad. hahaha F that S! it's a special present too, just for him. so i can't give it to anyone else. don't you hate that?


Demetri Martin is, like, 34. i can't believe it. i seriously thought he was in his mid-20s. anyway, he's so damn cute. i want to be in a long-term committed relationship with him. if not him, then someone JUST like him. i want to run my fingers through his hair, while he's washing my car. i want to live in a loft with him and bump uglies all night and then knock the fuck out in each others arms/face. sigh* that would be the life.


i've still yet to go to the Griffith Observatory. fuck. i really want to go!
or Vegas. hahaha we're going for Jenn's 21st right? i miss being at Vegas with the shitload of friends.


i'm here for another 30 min and i'm free, and the last hour always goes by the slowest!

we are all the same people, with sinning hearts that make us equal.

i find that i've been casually thinking about someone in the past, lately. i don't miss him, but thoughts of him pop in my head here & there. i even dreamt about him last night. we didn't do anything, we just hung out. it's quite odd. we haven't spoken in nearly 2 years, and i'd let him go very quickly. since we stopped talking, i never even missed him at all. when it ended, it ended right then & there, no remanent feelings.
but lately i've been wondering how he's doing. you know, just wondering.
i even have the urge to call him up, just to say hi and let him know that there's no hard feelings.
the only reason i haven't called or texted is because i doubt that he would pick up.
he has made it clear that he no longer wants to have anything to do with me, since i pretty much almost ruined him life. i guess i lacked the maturity 2 years ago to NOT ruin his life, plus it was my first time being involved in that sort of situation. (okay, maybe it was sort of my 2nd time.) however, in my defense, i gave him a choice to let it go, but he was adamant that he still wanted to see me.

the whole situation was both of our faults. we share equal responsibility.
however, the blame was placed squarely on me and me only.
i was the one who caused it, according to many people's beliefs.
hell yeah, i was bitter. i was bitter that i got blamed for it.
and you know why that was? because he lied. he lied to them about the degree of his involvement, about all the things he had told me, all that we were. he lied because he could. because he knew that i was too nice to feed him to the lions. i had the chance to tell the truth, but i didn't. and i still haven't. in most cases, the truth sets you free; but in this case, i'm afraid it would only cause more unnecessary pain, ultimately doing no good for anyone.
someone had asked for the truth with a "pleeease", covered with tears; but i still couldn't do it. sometimes it's better not to know. i spared you more pain than you would ever need to know. just remember that.


and as for me?
i hate being a fuckin' scapegoat, every fuckin' time.

a similar situation occurred THREE years ago, when an ex-boyfriend lied about something and placed the blame entirely on me. as a result, some really black-hearted, church-going Korean fucks became really really angry and attempted to take their anger out on my body. i told them the truth though, in that case, but they didn't care. they merely wanted to get even. in the end, i wasn't the one who got hurt. i'll tell you that much.

come to think of it,
i used to make some pretty bad decisions.
i wonder how i would act if i were thrown into the same situation today. i wonder if i would walk away in the beginning to avoid all unpleasantness, or if i would test the waters and see where life takes me.

maybe that was my problem all along -- that i believed too much in living without consequences, or maybe i just took advantage of a situation where i wouldn't be the one left with a permanent scar.

who knows?


my sinful heart does not lie.

Long Overdue

in today's news, there was a story about a Christmas postcard that was mailed on Dec. 23, 1914, but barely arrived today. no one knows what happened to it this whole time, and no one knows how it made its way over to the recipient's home 93 years later, in perfect condition. the person it was addressed to is now deceased, but her sister-in-law received it.


this story made me happy and sad at the same time.
happy because it's just such a delightful little anecdote; and sad because the woman never had the chance to open the envelope, smile at the cute picture on the front, and gush over the loving words on the back. by the time it arrived, she was already dead. :(

granted, a missing Christmas card probably made no difference in this woman's life, but what if it was something greater and less tangible?


what if the words we want to say never get said? and that people never hear the truth? what if we stayed quiet under the assumption that the truth would never make a difference, when in fact it would've made all the difference in the world? it's a shame that fear restrains us in such an inconvenient manner. fear is supposed to be on our side. it's our biological defense against the harms that surround us, but it can work against us so magnificently, as well.

i guess it's a part of being human to make decisions and live with whatever outcome they may lead. i fear that i'm not ready to make certain decisions, yet, and that is why i'm dangling in the midst of a comfortable uncertainty.

people always say that, "you'll never find out until you ask."

so what about the situations where you thrive entirely on hope, rather than a definite truth? do things always need to be said in order to be valid? and is the truth black or white, or does it lie on a continuum? ... like our feelings?



sometimes, it's just nice to hear it.

"but for now, let me say,

without hope or agenda,

just because it's Christmas,

and at Christmas you tell the truth -

to me, you are perfect,

and my wasted heart will love you."

♥ love is all you need.

Shit

i wish i didn't look so much like it right now.
seriously, i need to try harder.


i slept so ridiculously much last night. i went to sleep at around 5PM, woke up briefly at 1AM, and continued to sleep until 8:46. hahaha and i still look like i'm operating on 3 hours of sleep.

the other females in this office all look nice everyday. how the hell do they do it?
there's this girl (around my age) who's here at like 8:15 everyday, and she always looks like she's ready to party. i, on the other hand, always waltz into work looking VERY unkempt. my hair is an unstraightened catastrophe, my face has not been put on, and i'm accidentally wearing a shirt that i already wore last week (thrown on this morning at my convenience as it was laying on the floor).

fuckmylife!


this weekend was strange.
i feel like i did a lot and nothing at the same time.
the best thing all weekend was the THING that Justine and i accomplished. :) i am ever so proud of us and i'm excited for more to come.


David spoke to his tat artist for Sean-Paul and i, and it looks like we're gonna get inked next week. i'm VERY excited about that. although i need a little more time to decide where i want the tat exactly. i've already decided where i want my 2nd tat, but i haven't finalized the sketch on that yet. oh, dilemma!


i get paid on Thursday, and i really need that check.
i hate seeing a high balance on my credit card. it irks me so.
i still need to get a little more stuff for mi familia. aye, por que?! no es bueno :(

my family's going to Vegas this weekend, and i'm the only one not going. besides having to work on Sunday night for AE, i get the house all to myself all weekend! hurrah! i like being home alone, it makes me happy :)

everything's coming up Milhouse!
hahaha


i want a new phone.
:)

Merry Christmas to Me!

for this Christmas, i am getting myself an iPod Classic and 2 tattoos :)


i am SO EXCITED.
you don't even understand.

the iPod is already paid for and is going to be delivered within 5 days.
then i'm going to rape David's and Vince's iTunes libraries.

plus, i have finally made up my mind about what tats i want, and i'm going to go to David's tattoo artist for them.
i've pretty much already finalized my sketch for the feather one. it's going to look like a mixture of a realistic feather and a pictogram depiction.


oh! so i found my MacBook! hahaha it was in my room where i last left it.
yeah... it was missing for a while... i knew that it was in my room, but i still couldn't find it for, like, a year!
most people probably wouldn't lose a laptop in their own room, but somehow i managed to do so... but of course, even though it's found, it's still pretty much BROKEN. oh well, the important thing is that i FOUND it!
now that i'm not in school anymore, a laptop would be obsolete in my life. i'm rarely on the computer outside of work anyway.

i used to think that i was going to be that person forever.
that person who's always working away on her MacBook/iBook/WhateverTheFuck Apple comes out with. too bad. i said goodbye to that life. i realized that it's not what i want after all.

i'd rather enjoy art for the rest of my life, instead of hating it because i can't meet a deadline.
i don't mind the criticism i get for "quitting". none of that really matters as long as i'm happy with where i'm at.
i don't know what i wanna "do with my life" just yet. i believe it will just come to me as i continue to make the most out of every day, learn, and grow.



gah, the holidays just make me so happy :)

Here's My Knife; I Came for the Buffet

another night in the beloved LA. didn't get to see my friends after the show, but it's okay, i had fun passing out. haha


Bjork was crazy. haha i really like her style! plus, her voice is just amazing.

i didn't get it at first. i sat there, watched, and just thought to myself "i don't get it."
as the show went on and the intensity of it all progressed, i became more and more absorbed into the lights and sounds. my mind went nuts, the 1960's-NY-studio-apartment Debbie took over. oh, and of course, the pre-show sesh helped.

i remember thinking the whole time, "how can anyone NOT on drugs enjoy this?"
gigglez.



i think lately i've succumbed to too much reality, society, modern culture, or whatnot.
i need to spend some time alone to just clear my mind a little bit.

you see, i live in 2 different worlds.
there's the one that everyone sees; the me that goes out to have fun, spends time with friends, goes shopping, goes to work, does all those things that my life permits me to do as of this point.
and then there's the world i wish i could live in. the one that plays in my mind all day. the one who owns a loft in New York, travels across the world in search of nothing, plays with colors day in and day out, etcetcetc.


do you sometimes feel trapped by your own life?

i love my life. i love the people in it and all of the joy, but sometimes i just want a change of scene. i'm not going to say that my life is boring, because it truly isn't. i probably do more in a week than a lot of people do in 3 months.

here i go again wanting what i can't have.
i obviously have a great life that's never short on fun, but now i crave a different scene. i feel guilty for always wanting more. i guess it's my own responsibility to keep myself amused. i doubt that i'm in need of any more excitement though, seeing that my plate is constantly full, but sometimes i just feel so damn bored.


why?

I've Found Your Love Lost in the Sky

so last night was the My American Heart show in Hollywood, which was great (and a dream come true for Jenn might i add!) hehehehe
i'll spare you the details suffice it to say that our little Mac is growing up. now grow some bigger balls! :T Mark can't make all the moves for you forever! hahaha awww... i love it. and i miss it on my part.


i miss that feeling of meeting someone new and getting to know them. it's like putting puzzle pieces together while simultaneously guessing what the picture actually looks like. i'm looking to open more doors for myself in the near future, so that i can have more. always wanting more. FML! (shhh.)

i feel like if i really worked hard at it, i can really make a lot of good changes. and this is now a PLAN, not an empty wish. please!



Jenn leaves for Australia tomorrow, and she'll be gone for an entire month! so tonight's her farewell dinner, which i'm going to miss. i'm gonna be in L.A. (again) for the Bjork show. tonight is also Lizz's 21st birthday dinner. i'm missing out on so much "festivity-ness" tonight!! i think a part of the reason why i'm going to the show is to avoid having to choose between 2 dinners. also because the show is a more exclusive invite, so my presence probably means more?
i always complain that i never get enough time to just spend alone at home, but it's ME that makes these plans and promises. what the FUCK?! i need more time!!



here at work...
the coughing thing here at the office is still happening. it's making me self-conscious to cough.

OH! so today, hahaha, i tripped when i was walking up the stairs to the Accounting Dept. hahahaha nobody saw it but it was so funny -- and LOUD. it was loud. i bet they heard me. hahaha seriously, it was funny. i giggled and ran up the stairs like nothing happened. i bet everyone thinks i'm crazy.


and yeah, i still have no friends. you would think that i would, being that it's my 9th week here, but i don't. i really wonder if i ever will... oh yum, the suspense is killing me.



2 more hours to freedom; to Bjork; to seeing my friends afterwards; to saying goodbye to Jennifer Macasieb.


i can't wait! :)



for Jenn to leave.

hahahaha. just joshing.

Time of the Month

i don't give a shiiit -- that's how i feel right now.
i guess it's just my body chemistry making me feel this way.
i really just wanna go home and sleeeeeep.
hmmmm... that sounds good right now.


so Friday night was the Spice Girls concert. needless to say, it was quite the phenomenon. i'm soooo happy that i bought tickets. the night went very smoothly and wasn't chaotic at all, to my surprise.
however, i still ask this question: why were there so many crazy teenage fans at the show? they looked to be 14-16 years old. that doesn't make a lick of sense. when the Spice Girls were big, those girls were, on average, 5 years old. i don't remember shit from when i was 5 except that i drew a lot and my dogs kept dying. i doubt that i was singing along to any music. when the Spice Girls left the pop scene, their music wasn't exactly being played everywhere, like the Beatles or something. i guess i'm just really confused about that. :T


anyway, Dear Life is signed to Uprising Records!
the contract was officially signed last night at the Apostol residence.
we went out to BJ's afterwards to celebrate, all under Dear Life's account. i thought that was really awesome because i always pay for food when i go out, and not even just for myself. it seriously felt so damn good to have someone else pay for once. i don't like being treated very often though, because it makes me feel uncomfortable. buuuuut, once in a while is just fine with me :D

the funniest thing about last night happened on the way to Kinko's after BJ's to fax the contract. everyone was really excited, and most of the guys were drunkish. so right when we pulled into the parking lot of Kinko's, Matt says to Vince "a paper just flew out the window. did you need that?" and it wasn't until Vince answered did we realize that the paper, which flew out the window, was the signatures. hahahaha we all seriously laughed so hard. Siordia was driving behind us and we told his car to go get the paper. and OF COURSE, they had to run OVER the paper with the car before they actually picked it up. so in the end, the boys faxed over a contract with tire marks all over it :)

true story.


oh and afterwards, all the boys went to a strip club.
being the only girl, i was NOT down.
i guess i just don't like naked chicks as much as they do.


i've got 1.5 hours here at work, then i'm free as a bird.
whenever i cough, someone else coughs.
i don't get it. are they playing a game? :(

My Last Words

last night after i came home, which was promptly at 11:35PM, i dove into two of my favorite guilty pleasures: Sex and the City and Oprah.


as always, Oprah had raised a very interesting, yet not unheard of, question:
if you could have just one more day with someone who has passed on, who would it be and what would you say/do with that person?

the show featured Kristine Carlson, a widow whose husband, inspirational writer Richard Carlson, passed away a year ago at the age of 45. he lived his life to the fullest and never stressed the "small stuff", as his books proclaimed. just 4 years before his untimely death, on the couple's 18th wedding anniversary, Richard gave his wife a letter that contained all of the things he has ever wanted and needed to say to her, just in case he should die before he had the chance to. the letter was long enough to be a book, so it is being released in January under the title "An Hour to Live, An Hour to Love: The True Story of the Best Gift Ever Given". (that wasn't a plug, that was just a little F.Y.I. thing in case anyone was interested in reading it.)

anyway, the whole segment just made me realize that i don't want to leave the world without giving my last words. i fear that if i don't, then it would be like i never even existed at all; that i would just be a mere faded memory and an inactive Myspace profile.

i think about my impending death a lot, actually. i've witnessed enough to know that life is unpredictable in every way possible, so death eludes no one. i'm the person who asks her friends that annoying question, "would you cry if i died?" i guess i just want to know how the world will react to my passing, obviously because once i've died, i wouldn't be able to find out. i'd like to think that i've made enough of an impact on the people around me that i will be missed everyday for the rest of someone's life. i want my death to inflict just a little bit of sorrow in my loved ones, and then i want them to smile at the things that i've said and done, and then move on with life. i want my picture to be carried around in their wallets, so that it won't always be in plain view, but is still easily-accessible upon request. i want them to write letters to me to throw into the ocean. i don't want an open casket; i don't want my last image in their minds to be my lifeless body. i want to be a song.


no one can dictate how they want the world to spin after their departure, but you can always make an effort to shine as much light as you can during your time on earth.

My Kind of Baby

Happy Hannukah!

today is Day One of Hannukah.

the Holidays are really falling upon us FAST.
i am ever so excited :)


Justine and i have gone Christmas shopping two nights in a row.
we've accomplished so much! and have gone everywhere!


with all the money i've already spent, i think i may need to down-size my list a little bit. or i might just have to go with the less expensive gift ideas. i know that i won't be getting nearly as much in return as i will give, but that doesn't really bother me. i think Christmas is the time for us to show people that we actually do love & appreciate them, even if we don't always talk to or see them.
i've decided that my parents are Priority on my list this year, but i still don't know what to get them. i mean, i have ideas, but nothing concrete just yet. they're worth it. for sure.

a part of me really just wants to go to Michael's, buy a lot of shit, and just make thingamaboppers for everyone. but i gots no tiiiime!

the funny thing is, i'm not big on cards. i loooooove receiving them, but i don't care to give them. it's odd, right? i'm sentimental as hell and i've kept every card/letter/note ever written to me since the 5th grade. maybe i'm just lazy...


... lazy enough to think of "cute" ideas and run around town making it happen for you ungrateful motherfuckers!

hahaha


my throat's doing better.
it's not so much hurty as it is now itchy. i woke up this morning at 6 to cough. :(


you know what else i'm excited for?

WRAPPING PRESENTS!!! :D
that'll be my time to shine!
hahaha i'm not even good at it, but i just like doing it.



all i ask is that you appreciate me for all that i am to you.
all the times i've fed you.
all the times i've surprised you with a little something.
all the times i've stayed on the phone with you.
just all the times that i'm there,
and knowing it in your heart that i will always be there
to laaaaaaaaaaaav you!



<3

Naughty Good Or Nice?

i am very proud to announce that i no longer stay out late.
nowadays i usually sleep before 2, but more often before 1.

i still go out, but i send my ass home early so i can get rested for the next day. am i getting old? or am i actually growing up? some people never grow up, no matter how old they get.

i'm actually quite surprised at myself for this quick transition. it may only be temporary, but still, it's a big difference from what i'm used to. i usually stay out past 3 or 4, and a lot of the time i don't even go home for the night. now, i find myself grow tired if i stay out past 12. maybe i am just getting old...

for the past few days i've been sleeping extra early because of my sore throat, and it's already getting better! it's making good progress to heal completely for the show on Wednesday night :)


so i've been doing some thinking about what kind of person i am.
the other night, the topic came up between Justine and i about how certain people in the world are NICE people, and others are GOOD people, while a percentage are actually both. i've always believed that i was both nice and good, but there are times when i doubt myself. (i know, that's ridiculous right? haha)

i've always found myself ready and willing to be there to make people feel better, even people whom i do not know very well. whenever someone has a problem, i get a primal instinct to pull him/her away from feeling low and to instill a more positive perspective inside his/her head. i do seemingly everything (appropriate) i can do to help.
so the question i have for myself is this: are you really a nice person, or are you simply drawn to people with problems? do you use the fact that you can brighten someone else's day in order to feel good about yourself?

i personally don't believe that i use helping people as good karma, or as a way of making me like myself better. i believe i genuinely care about the people in the world, and perhaps helping others with their "problems" is just easier than traveling to Uganda to save the invisible children. catch my drift a little?



i am a good person -- all the time.
i am a nice person -- most of the time :)