Passing me by

There are moments in my day when I think I miss him so much that I choke on my lost breath.
Then I snap back into reality.

I regret nothing because it was good times.

Still, I hate feeling like he's no longer in my life and I have no way of getting him back.
There is no connection to him besides myself.

I guess the beauty in life is that you never know what the future holds.
Just like how I'd never anticipated his invitation, yet it came and took me on a wild ride.

Maybe some people just aren't meant to stay in your life for a long period of time. Although I'd known him for quite some time, his presence never lingers. And that's probably just the way it's supposed to be, as much as it sucks. I wonder how many more years will go by before we have our time again. I must admit, he came in at such a crucial time and opened my eyes to other aspects of myself. I was feeling quite low about things, then he came out of nowhere and lifted me up. I could live on that high forever. But I'm not holding my breath. At least not on purpose.

...But We're Dealing in Percents

I had a really bittersweet experience recently. I was given a taste of something amazing, only to have it taken away from me. Definitely bums me out a lot, and I'm still not willing to give up hope. I'm fuckin' naive at times for damn sure. At least I recognize my own foolishness, I suppose. But I'm pretty sure a lot of the appeal is the mystery, the fact that I never really got it. And hence, I want more. My human nature tires me out sometimes. Given the opportunity again, I would really go for it. Balls to the wall.

20/20

Man, John Stossel is so awesome. He always attempts to challenge the status quo in terms of "conventional wisdom". I just watched last Friday's episode online, and it sure got me riled up.

A few valid points:

1) Why should tax payers have to pay for the rescue missions for people who take stupid risks? 20/20 interviewed a few of those people, and of course they all refuted the idea of an individual having to pay for his/her own rescue. I definitely think it should be circumstantial. They interviewed this guy who laughed and admitted he was hiking in flip-flops and was ultimately stuck on the mountain with no way down. When he was billed $2,000, he refused to pay because he supposedly didn't "ask" to be rescued, even though he did phone a friend to get help... That fuckin' idiot. People should certainly be accountable for their own stupid behavior.

2) The law currently protects pregnant women from losing their jobs, but is that fair for employers? Women certainly shouldn't be discriminated for being pregnant, but they do miss work for doctor's appointments and maternity leave. In the time that they're absent, other people have to pick up the slack (and they don't get paid more). I do agree with job protection to a degree, but I think it's pretty dumb that employers are not allowed to even hint at the topic during job interviews. Personal experience: When my boss interviewed this one lady to be on our sales team, he distinctively asked her if she was able to travel for business. She said yes. At the time, she didn't appear to be pregnant - just a bit curvy maybe, so it didn't cross any of our minds. However, about a month and a half later, when she was finally hired, she had started to show. She was already 4-5 months along! She was certainly not okay to travel, and that was not acceptable for her job position. And I remember feeling so much resentment because the law protected her, even though she was dishonest. She was eventually terminated within a month, not for being pregnant, but for being vastly incompetent and just not smart.

3) Should Medicare cover elderly people who are financially independent or wealthy? Doesn't it in fact cheat those who are actually in need? "The government spends around $6 on seniors for every dollar it spends on children. And yet the poverty rate among children is far higher than is among seniors." True, these seniors have paid their dues. They themselves have contributed to the Medicare tax almost their entire working lives. HOWEVER, current beneficiaries of Medicare receive 2-3 times more than what they contributed. The government has promised $34 trillion MORE for this program than what is actually funded. Where is that money going to come from? Shouldn't eligibility be more strict and cut off the wealthy? At this rate, it's very possible that Medicare will cease to exist by the time my generation reaches that age. Old people are lucky that they're so damn cute and hard to resist.


I just love that John Stossel questions these things that we're supposed to just accept. He may not always be politically correct, but he is always on the side of fairness. He's got chutzpah! And a sick 'stache.

Static

It's sad when the person you miss the most is your old self. Granted, I'm generally the same person as I've always been, but there are those differences only I notice as I reminisce on distant memories.
I think we all tend to look back and feel silly about certain emotions and acts we'd exhibited in the past. Sometimes I wonder if it will always be like this. In a few years, will I feel stupid about the thoughts I'm having today? If so, then how solid were they to begin with?

I used to be much more open and less apologetic.
Care-free and took risks. Sporadic.
What happened?!

Did I learn a lesson through a burnt friendship? Did I mature with time? Did I lose trust in myself and others?

It's difficult to pinpoint exactly where a certain change began to occur.
And over time, you are left with the pieces.
I think this is that time for me.

I don't talk about this with anyone, because there's really no point. Thank God for blogs! (As this blog is aptly named "Perpetual Drivel of the Absurd" for a reason.)
And to be honest, I'm too ashamed to bring this up in conversation. I can be so much better, but I didn't strive for it. My failure is exposed through the very essence of my being.


Yeah, I think I'll close on that note before the violins start playing.


Cheers.

TLK

"You can't try so hard to control it all. Life is pretty much in the grays for the most part and if you insist always on black and white, you are going to be very unhappy."

We know, but we so often forget.

Good Morning

It's currently 5:25AM right now. I took an unexpected nap some hours back, which subsequently resulted in me waking up at around 2:15AM to my dogs barking wildly. I don't think I'm going to sleep again before I start my day so I figured I'd just blog. I was just watching a scene from "Dan in Real Life" where Dan has just met the female lead of the film, and they are getting to know each other over breakfast. Seems so simple and sweet. I wish I had friends or family who lived in a small town with little cafes and book stores, just so I could visit every so often and take a break from the life here. Time just seems to fly by so quickly. I don't want to miss it and not even realize it. It's already April, for goodness sake!

I feel like I've devoted most of my past few years to other people. I'm barely starting to come into the picture, yet I don't know what I can do for myself. There is still a lot of work to be done though. I am both optomistic (of fruition) and terrified (of failure). So I just keep laughing.

Things That Irk Me, Part I.

1. When people "subtly" work in their accomplishments and victories into the conversation in a boastful manner.

2. When people put others in awkward positions, just to amuse themselves.

3. When you make eye contact with a stranger, and they just look at you without any hint of a smile, instead of just looking away. Is that even necessary? Just look away!

4. Kiosk people at the mall who will stop at nothing to get you to try their hand cream. Or hair straightener. Or butt beads.

5. Driving away while realizing that you've left your wallet at home when you went out specifically to go buy things at Michael's.

6. Wanting to do something all week, but feeling too lazy during the weekend to actually do it.

7. When thin girls say they're fat to gain compliments & reassurance. Keep it real.

8. When people use that extra room in the right lane to drive ahead and cut in front of you on the freeway in heavy traffic.

9. Being blinded by the thick fog while trying to make it home safely going 7MPH, all the while regretting your decision to go out that night.

10. When people do things to deserve criticism, yet cannot accept it nor understand its origin.

11. Weird vibes from an acquaintance. Because it's not like you can just ignore them when you see them.

12. When a show you absolutely love is on hiatus and is in danger of being cancelled.

13. Feeling uncertain if you're supposed to hug someone you'd just met.

14. Not keeping up with blogging! :\

Fog

Sometimes things happen for very simple reasons that don't need to be meticulously dissected and analyzed. So why are people proned to always search for hidden messages and meanings, instead of just accepting things on face value and move on?

Eventful Weekend

Yup. It was.
Sean and Darwin both had birthdays, 23rd and 22nd respectively.
And Kathy had her baby shower. It got me really excited for the future. I want all my friends to start getting married and popping out babies and such. I've never been to a wedding for someone I actually knew. I'd really only attended one wedding in my entire life, and it was for someone who went to the same church as me but didn't know personally. I wonder who's going to get married first!!
I guess this weekend was all about the celebration of life! And friendship. And delicious garlic mashed potatoes :)

Oh, I signed up for Twitter. I initially thought it was just another social networking site, but I realized that it's a tool for us to blurt things out that we wouldn't normally make an effort to announce because of the lack of significance, perhaps. I have a lot of moments when I want to blurt things out, so this should be great for me haha
It's pretty fun. And it's something to do at work!


Cheers.

Good Grief

Fact: Charlie Brown has never kicked the football.

I wonder, if Charlie Brown had eventually succeeded in kicking the football, would all of his failed attempts be just as significant? I can't decide if he was naive to keep trying when he was set up to fail, or if he represented an unwavering force of determination. Or maybe Lucy van Pelt was just a little bitch.

More Drivel

I've been doing much contemplating on what truly matters in my life. It's really difficult, because all of my long-term hopes and dreams collide with my current state of mind and being. For instance, while I'm dying to reward myself with certain materialistic things, I know my priority should be to save save save. There are certain goals I need to fulfill for myself, and not just for vanity-related reasons. I need a new car. My current car is fine, but I feel that I need an improvement in order to take myself more seriously. I also need extra money set aside so that I can travel. One step at a time. Maybe it will just be a few train rides here and there at first, but I will make my way to the Apple. I've always had the fantasy of going alone without telling anybody, and not coming back. But let's be real, the chance of me actually doing that is slim to none. It's like the scene in "You've Got Mail" where Frank and Kathleen have amicably broken up, and Frank asks Kathleen if there's "someone else". She replies, "No...But there's the dream of someone else." It's both uplifting and disparaging having this dream that won't fade away. It's easy to hop on a plane, but I want to make a life there, and that isn't exactly a walk in the park. Sometimes I feel really dumb about it, since (it seems that) everything I need is here, but there's a longing that's constantly pulsating inside. It doesn't help that I feel completely lost right now. I'm just really scared that I'll get trapped into a routine, a rut, and end up resenting myself in the future. Because that would suck balls.

Yes

"I believe that we are all fields of energy and you have the choice whether to be a positive or negative field of energy. I know that sounds hippie-ish but it's what I believe fundamentally. So you could be a bag of toxicity, or you could be a happy, good person that spreads joy. I believe in spreading joy.
Everybody goes through hardships and it's your choice how to deal with them. Your choice should be to progress and to evolve, and to handle things with some level of graciousness. Yeah, life is hard sometimes – but I think you have to just realize, you know, that someone is probably experiencing something more difficult and to please work past it as expediently as possible."
-- Drew Barrymore

Scary Times

First of all, I think any of us who actually has a job at a time like this is very, very fortunate. That list is pretty scary, considering it's only been 26 days into 2009. I don't know whether or not I should feel secure with my job. While we're doing fine right now, there's no telling whether our customers will be able to sustain us in the coming years. Things are relatively normal, but I'm not oblivious to the possibility of a bad surprise. I just hate that feeling of "you never know". I've been looking around the web for new job opportunities. Since I still don't really know what I want to do with my career/life, I figure I'd just test the waters (if I dare!) I'm not sure if I have the balls to jump around, since I really fear instability and uncertainty, as previously stated...

Anyway, I was looking at personal assistant jobs, writing jobs, caretaker jobs, etc. -- just for fun, I suppose. I don't exactly have all the experience and know-how required for those jobs. There was an ad for a PA job to a "high-profile Hollywood person" who travels all around the world, paying 70K a year. That one sounded so bad ass, but it requires like a minimum 7 years of prior PA experience.

I think cosmos really cut me a break giving me a full-time job right before the economy went into the shitter. I can't imagine where I'd be if I had never accepted it. Still, I need to keep searching. I've recently realized that I need to search for greater opportunities, or else I might be stuck here for longer than desirable. It wouldn't be so bad if this industry was one that I'd like to be a part of, but I can honestly say it isn't. I don't dislike it, but I don't think I'd want to advance in this field for any reason other than money and travel opportunities. I guess we'll see.

This is practically all that I think about these days.

Best of Both Worlds

Meet BabyMac :) She's only a few days old, but already useful and completely convenient to carry around.

I'd purchased a Wind netbook from my office and had it re-formatted to Mac OS X. I don't technically need it... but it's nice to be back in the Apple family again.

Not counting this recent expense, I've actually been more strict on my spendings lately. I'd like to either move out or buy a new car. I haven't decided which one holds greater priority, because neither are really even necessary, but both would be really nice. My parents told my sister and I to buy a place together so we can move out, but I hardly think I'm ready for that just yet. And to be honest, I don't think I'd love living with my sister, or anyone really. Ideally, I'd like to live alone. I'm not sure how well I would do seeing the same person day in and day out, especially if it's a friend. Anyway, it's a good buyer's market right now, so if I want to eventually buy a place, I need to do so in the next few years (before the economy bounces back). As for the car, I guess it's just easier to aim for right now. However, my standards are quite high, so I definitely need to wait longer. I really like to constantly think about these things because it gives me something to work for. And of course, I need to constantly remind myself that we're playing in the big leagues now and I can't keep spending money on temporary thrills! But then when I think about all that I do have, I feel so grateful and content that I think striving for more for myself would be wasting resources that could be spent on the less fortunate.

I guess there's never enough to go around.

Goodbye, Sodie Pops!

I am soda-free again.
Been clean since 01/03/2009.

Okay, so it hasn't really been that long, and it's hardly considered a difficult feat to accomplish, but I'm still pretty happy for it. There'd been much temptation to slip over the past week and a half, and I've yet to falter. I'm doing this to test my willpower. If I succeed in kicking the "habit", I would feel even more empowered to make other beneficial changes. After all, isn't 2009 all about change?

Next up on the chopping block is CARBS.
I plan to cut all pastas, rice, bread, etc. I doubt that I can give up my beloved potato though...
Oh deary me, this is going to be SO difficult, you don't even understand. I live for carbs. So much so that I need to stop now. No time restraint, just going to take it slow. It never hurts to try!

This year is going to be no fun :P haha

Excelsior!

Nine Thousand Words

Willpower

I don't really believe in New Year resolutions, since I feel that if you want to change something, there's no reason to wait for a new year to do it. But this year is different, I suppose. I've been fed up with myself for quite some time now, and I need to seize this opportunity of making a new start. I've gotten so sloppy. Attempts to change have been made, but they're still in their beginning stages and cannot be judged yet. To start, I've been cleaning my room. Bit by bit everyday. I've already gotten rid of that horrific desk that took up so much space. That felt good. I need to rid things. Like Oprah said, when you rid your environment of clutter, your life and body will eventually follow suit. I think this is it. I think 2009 is the year. If I do not succeed, and I wind up feeling the same about myself a year from now, I will go up a really tall building and jump off. Kiddingggggg.