Ode to Solitude

this past year has signified tremendous growth for me.
i've never been more independent in my entire life. ironically, i have never been thrown into so much human contact.

2007 started as shit.
i was pushed to an emotional nadir, through which i required the attention and comfort of many, many friends. i began to spend as much time as i can with my friends, and even when i was happy again, the habit just stuck. it wasn't until recently that i craved more time alone. i am and always will be an introvert. i know it doesn't make sense on the surface of things, but it will once you really think about it. i am a person who likes to be alone, while i also need to know that people are thinking of me and want to spend time with me. it's selfish, i know, but i usually compromise my own desires in order to be with others. i almost always have a great time with my friends, but too much of it makes me feel deprived of inner-thought and sanity. i'm also very scared of getting close to people, so you can imagine that 2007 was a terrifying year for me. it's not so much that i'm scared of the people themselves, but rather i possess a fear of attachment, which is almost always linked to disappointment. i'm not a damaged person, i was just born this way. i hate feeling close to a person one minute, and then feeling like a stranger the next. it's sort of a deranged state of mind on my part and i recognize that.

with all that said, please don't think that i don't like to be social.
i genuinely cherish my friendships, as much as my alone time.


i'm grateful to have so many friends who all love to "do stuff" all the time.
but sometimes it's nice to just go home early, unwind in front of the telly, and fall asleep to my own quiet thoughts.