Tard.

yesterday at the office, something made me laugh so abruptly that i (boomingly) snorted. i was only a little embarrassed until someone looked at me with a "wtf" face. at that point, i started laughing more and louder to cover up my snort. but it was too late.

the damage was done.

Suck It Up, You Big Stupid Baby.

i haven't blogged in a while, contrary to the fact that i've had ever so much to say. i've written 2 entries that i never posted, which ultimately faced the "delete" button. i might have been too big of a coward to admit to myself and to whoever actually reading this blog that i've been feeling vulnerable. that and the fact that i couldn't really put everything into words, just groans and whiny noises. i was mired in my own negativity, feeling disgusted, confused, and scared. a cliché state of mind when you think everything's falling apart. but that's all over now, i believe. it's been a few days, and i've gained some perspective. i realized that things aren't half (nay, not even 1/4) as bad as my female mind had made them out to be. i definitely feel more like myself. more positive.

i feel a little silly for feeling so low in the past week or so.
i hate when i get all Moody Judy up on others.
and for that, je demande pardon.

Please Wait at the Gate

i spoke to Sean about my "problem" yesterday. i asked him, "do i have a wall up all the time?" he said, "no, not a wall, but you have a gate."

he explained that although i do generally keep people out, i selectively let some in after i've gotten to know them for a while. i never thought of it that way, but there was much truth to his words. i suppose that's good news, that not everyone feels like i'm shutting them out. i've had a share of people tell me otherwise, though. they say, "you always know more about other people than other people know about you." that's true, but i don't want it to be a bad thing. i feel that people get offended when they realize that i don't trust them. but it's not a personal attack at all, i just don't do well with trust.

i'm okay with the way i am.
but this has become an issue as of late.

i wish i could let certain people in more than i can,
because i feel that they can really be something special.

chuck this up to my fear of being attached to others.
everyone's a letdown.
i think i need to just suck it up.
doesn't help that i'm so shy...

Facing My Fears

there's nothing like the cold, hard realization that i'm completely terrified of commitment. i used to deny this fear, or maybe i just wasn't so scared back then. but i'm getting older & wiser, and relationships are supposed to be more meaningful now. i'm sick of games. if i want to settle down, i want to do it right.

i'm so scared of getting close.
i can't seem to let anyone in.
what the fuck?
i thought i was stronger than this.

i know i joke around with my friends that i'm "cold as ice", but it's not so funny when i'm pondering to myself why i can't seem to slow down. and what made me so cold? whatever it is, it's not worth it. i love that i'm independent and carefree, but i'm not totally indifferent at the same time. i feel like i'm at a standstill at the fork of a road, not knowing which way to go. and the dangerous part is, time isn't waiting for me.

sometimes the things we won't admit are the exact same things that we want other people to know.

i don't have a high opinion of myself.
i think everyone's going to hurt my feelings, so if i keep them outside of my wall, they can't hurt me. i've conditioned myself to feel nothing, but some forces are stronger than my own.

i feel like i'm constantly on an emotional diet. i deny myself of having feelings for people so that i don't run the risk of being shot down. well, now i'm hungry.


i'd say it's about time to plunge in head first with my eyes closed.
but then again,
i can't drown if i stay on dry land.

Like a Feather Caught in an Updraft...

the Past and the Future are merely concepts. they don't actually exist. the Present is the only fragment of time that's capable of sustaining itself in total clarity. but is it just for the second? or the nanosecond? time is so tricky.

in relation to the Past, there's memories and artifacts. but memories are never 100% accurate, and artifacts can be blemished. they are all too easily-manipulated.
in relation to the Future, we have plans and dreams. until those plans and dreams are realized, they do not exist. and when they do, they are no longer of the Future.


sometimes i feel like we're all just floating.