We All Have Them

- i'm afraid to strike up conversations because i'm not interesting. that's why i ask a lot of questions.
- Paramore is my sad music.
- i believe in love, but i don't think it believes in me.
- i have really bad memory, and i hate it when people hold it against me when i forget something about them, like it was intentional.
- i pretend to not know certain things that i do know because i don't like the responsibility of possessing that information.
- i pretend to believe people's lies because i don't want them to look stupid.
- i have difficulty registering numbers in their correct sequences.
- there's a friend of mine who's completely oblivious to the fact that i know she takes my ideas and words, and uses them as her own.
- i used to get lost in Costcos and Wal-Marts all the time as a child, so much so that my family eventually stopped looking for me, and i'd wander around the store in tears until i found them on my own. i deserved that.
- i still don't know what career i want to pursue.
- i have no pity for people who pity themselves.
- i'm genuinely interested in the things people tell me, but sometimes i get the feeling that they think i'm faking it.
- i have the most Polaroids of my dog, Baby, than of anyone/thing else.
- i tailgate cars when they've angered me, even though i think it's the most immature thing ever.
- i dislike my laugh. it's crass and gaudy.
- i spend more money on my friends than i do on my actual family, and i want to change that.
- people always say that they understand the reasons why i stopped going to school, but i know they don't because they always say, "don't worry, you'll go back one day."
- i think everyone is beautiful.

Real Talk

this weather makes me extremely happy. i love gloomy days, they make me want to run away from all of the familiar.
i love this town, this city, this county, this state, this family, these friends.
but i really, really want to break free from the daily grind and breathe in the unknown.

however, i can't walk away from my job. it's chill, rewarding (both financially and career-wise), productive, and ever-so-close to my home. i have a great healthcare plan thanks to my company. i get to network with people from other Fortune 500 companies. if i choose to stay in this field and move up in ranks, or possibly transfer to a different company or whatnot, i have the potential of making a lot of money in the near future. i started this job last October, so i'm getting a raise next month. i don't know what it's going to be, but i'm hoping for at least a 25% increase. i have it pretty sweet here, and i don't take it for granted at all. the longer i'm here, the more i have to consider whether or not to make this my actual career. my bosses and co-workers all tell me that i can be very successful in this field, and they've already started giving me clients to rep on my own (although i still ask others for help). i just don't know if i want to do this for the rest of my life. it's good money, but it doesn't feed to my interests. then again, if i'm already here and planning to stay here for a few more years, what's the point of changing careers later when i'm already in my mid-to-late 20s? perhaps i can just do this for a while, rack up some money, and invest in opening a small cafe or restaurant. life is so unpredictable, and i'm wishing on every star in the sky that it takes me somewhere exciting. i'm meant to do great things, i know it. i just need to get my shit together and focus on saving and worthy investments. i have many hopes and dreams, but they've been fading underneath constant distractions, social obligations, and worldly desires.

1. need to stop going out so often
2. craving alone time at the gallery
3. simplicity


hello, weekend.

Mother of All Nightmares

i had one of the worst dreams this morning, right before i awoke for the day. i don't dream often, but when i do, the dreams are always very bleak and feel overwhelmingly real.

i don't really cry much in real life, at least not since my heart had turned into stone. i've cried probably once in the past year alone, and it was because i was drunk and dealing with a terrible situation that was out of my control. with that said, i bawled like a fuckin' baby in this dream. i'd basically dreamt that my mother had passed away due to an unspecified illness. i was okay at first, and i didn't even tell any of my friends (who were also in the dream) about the situation. however, as a few days had gone by, i began to feel the pain of no longer having her in my life, and i just lost it. i can't really put into words all the agony i'd felt, suffice it to say that it was emotionally draining. i even woke up with a shortness of breath, as i'd been "crying" so hard.

it's so strange that something of this illusive nature can bring about real pain. my heart felt like it was being pounded repeatedly with a mallet. it really did hurt.


i love my mommy and i don't want her to ever leave.

Older

i turned 22 this past weekend. i got to have the house all to myself because my family went out of town. that was quite enjoyable. i just know i'd love living alone. midnight rang in to welcome the 30th and opened the floodgate to a barrage of calls, texts, comments, and messages. that felt really nice.

birthdays are just like any other days, though i can't help but consider them special. it could be because i grew up in a household that always puts a lot of emphasis on birthdays (and Christmas).

i didn't really do anything special/out of the ordinary, nor had i desired to. spent the day with a few great friends and then saw many others later at night. i was content. people are incredible because they care.

having Monday off was super. and now i'm at work, which feels pretty nice as well. it's quite peaceful right now because our server is down (again). i basically can't do any work because i can't receive any e-mails. that sounds good, but it's actually terrible. when the server comes back up, all Hell will break loose.

hot damn.