Mother of All Nightmares

i had one of the worst dreams this morning, right before i awoke for the day. i don't dream often, but when i do, the dreams are always very bleak and feel overwhelmingly real.

i don't really cry much in real life, at least not since my heart had turned into stone. i've cried probably once in the past year alone, and it was because i was drunk and dealing with a terrible situation that was out of my control. with that said, i bawled like a fuckin' baby in this dream. i'd basically dreamt that my mother had passed away due to an unspecified illness. i was okay at first, and i didn't even tell any of my friends (who were also in the dream) about the situation. however, as a few days had gone by, i began to feel the pain of no longer having her in my life, and i just lost it. i can't really put into words all the agony i'd felt, suffice it to say that it was emotionally draining. i even woke up with a shortness of breath, as i'd been "crying" so hard.

it's so strange that something of this illusive nature can bring about real pain. my heart felt like it was being pounded repeatedly with a mallet. it really did hurt.


i love my mommy and i don't want her to ever leave.

Older

i turned 22 this past weekend. i got to have the house all to myself because my family went out of town. that was quite enjoyable. i just know i'd love living alone. midnight rang in to welcome the 30th and opened the floodgate to a barrage of calls, texts, comments, and messages. that felt really nice.

birthdays are just like any other days, though i can't help but consider them special. it could be because i grew up in a household that always puts a lot of emphasis on birthdays (and Christmas).

i didn't really do anything special/out of the ordinary, nor had i desired to. spent the day with a few great friends and then saw many others later at night. i was content. people are incredible because they care.

having Monday off was super. and now i'm at work, which feels pretty nice as well. it's quite peaceful right now because our server is down (again). i basically can't do any work because i can't receive any e-mails. that sounds good, but it's actually terrible. when the server comes back up, all Hell will break loose.

hot damn.

The Conversation

Do you remember how we met?
Silhouetted by the lights
You were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with your hands.
I was thinking about that
And a bunch of other things
Stop looking at the floor,
I need to pour out this expansive dose of words.
I can't explain.
I need to be alone.

I know the timing isn't great
But these things you just can't plan.
I just need a little time
So I can find myself again
'Cause I get buried underneath
All the things they think you are
And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt to be left out

I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?

Don't ever change the way you are
I've never loved anyone more.

Glass Eye

i deleted my previous entry because it's just not how i feel anymore, and perhaps my perception on things was a little skewed by my momentary lapse in judgment.

there's really no need for this entry either, since the past is in the past and i've been completely content with the way things have unfolded. i was mad at first, certainly due to my ego, but then i realized that i really had nothing to be angry about. however, i feel the need to put this out there into the universe, because it will come back to me one day.


although i had come to certain realizations on my own over the past few days, my eyes were pried open even further by a recent conversation with a good friend. we'd been through our share of the good and the bad over the years, so he gave me some very constructive criticisms. in other words, he called me out on all the stupid shit i do. i've always been aware of my own flaws, but i suppose i was a tad bit blinded by all the "good things" i'd done, so all the dumb bullshit i was pulling had escaped my awareness. or i felt that the 2 polar opposites justified each other's existence. maybe.

the more i focused on my past actions, the more i realized what a mean person i can be sometimes. i can definitely be too honest and brutal with my words when i feel provoked... i admit it. i firmly believe that we are only responsible for our own actions, so i shouldn't have dignified my poor behaviors with those of another individual. just because someone else is making mistakes or acting below par, doesn't make it right for me to reflect it through my behaviors. after all, who am i to judge? i was only responsible for myself, and i messed that up. i need to constantly remind myself to always just be the best person i can be, even if things aren't going my way. i need to stop being a fuckin' child about always getting what i want.

in conclusion, there's no point in commenting on another person's actions or flaws, because that is not of my concern any longer. i've learned to let go of my need to have certain people in my life act a certain way towards me in order to comply to my own opinions of "how our friendship should be". it's all bullshit, really. me, me, me... grow the fuck up. i guess it's true what they say, we are our own toughest critics.


anything bad that may have happened, i have taken in stride.
bowing out gracefully :)

angry words won't suffice

[DELETED]

trust is so difficult to regain.

maybe later.