I've been doing much contemplating on what truly matters in my life. It's really difficult, because all of my long-term hopes and dreams collide with my current state of mind and being. For instance, while I'm dying to reward myself with certain materialistic things, I know my priority should be to save save save. There are certain goals I need to fulfill for myself, and not just for vanity-related reasons. I need a new car. My current car is fine, but I feel that I need an improvement in order to take myself more seriously. I also need extra money set aside so that I can travel. One step at a time. Maybe it will just be a few train rides here and there at first, but I will make my way to the Apple. I've always had the fantasy of going alone without telling anybody, and not coming back. But let's be real, the chance of me actually doing that is slim to none. It's like the scene in "You've Got Mail" where Frank and Kathleen have amicably broken up, and Frank asks Kathleen if there's "someone else". She replies, "No...But there's the dream of someone else." It's both uplifting and disparaging having this dream that won't fade away. It's easy to hop on a plane, but I want to make a life there, and that isn't exactly a walk in the park. Sometimes I feel really dumb about it, since (it seems that) everything I need is here, but there's a longing that's constantly pulsating inside. It doesn't help that I feel completely lost right now. I'm just really scared that I'll get trapped into a routine, a rut, and end up resenting myself in the future. Because that would suck balls.
