Like a Feather Caught in an Updraft...

the Past and the Future are merely concepts. they don't actually exist. the Present is the only fragment of time that's capable of sustaining itself in total clarity. but is it just for the second? or the nanosecond? time is so tricky.

in relation to the Past, there's memories and artifacts. but memories are never 100% accurate, and artifacts can be blemished. they are all too easily-manipulated.
in relation to the Future, we have plans and dreams. until those plans and dreams are realized, they do not exist. and when they do, they are no longer of the Future.


sometimes i feel like we're all just floating.

Filtered Filler

yesterday was my 6-month anniversary at work.
today, my car is in the shop getting major service diddled.
i'm thrilled for Champagnia. it's a total tune-up. she's going to feel so pampered and spankin' fresh :) and the mechanic's gonna mist-clean under her hood. everything's black right now, but it'll be shiny and new very soon.


so, i posted a bulletin last night with a very general thought that's been boggling my mind for a few weeks now.
are people forever tainted by their true colors, or can they be redeemed? basically, once we see someone in a different light, can we ever look at them the same again?

i received quite a few reponses from friends, all saying that they've pondered the same. i'm not surprised. there are always moments in our lives when we realize that someone we thought we knew wasn't so great after all. they shed their skin and we discover what they really are. that's when they're no longer linked to good memories and actions, and they become merely adjectives and nouns.
i'm sure you can relate.
but despite all that forgiveness crap (because i'm not talking about forgiveness right now), can we feel the same about someone after they've crossed that line? it always takes something big, doesn't it? or a mound of little things that have piled up over a number of months, just waiting to overflow and overcome your tolerance.

my answer for my own question is no. at least that's my answer for the time being. that's what i know so far, my own truth. that no, i cannot ever see someone the same again after they've broken a certain unspoken pact of friendship and loyalty. i just can't, as much as i have tried to. this isn't about forgiveness, because it's not so easy, not so black-and-white, not so much about what someone did wrong or right. i guess it's more of a respect thing. the respect and regard for oneself vs. the respect and regard for another human being... or rather, the lack there of?


cheers.

"Gay Around the World"

i just read through quite an interesting Oprah show. (since i'm in the office all day and i can't actually watch these shows on TV. hurray Oprah.com!)
it's today's show, actually, featuring some gay people's experiences coming out and the ignorance they've encountered in their countries. it's amazing how homosexuality is viewed and treated in such hostile ways. we're talking about life in prison, lashing, stoning, lynching, "honor killing", beheading, etc. what the fuck is wrong with this world that people still can't accept diversity? i mean, to call homosexuality an abomination and punishable by death? "look, he's gay. let's gather a mob and kill him." isn't that just a wee bit backwards? and totally ironic? i don't see how homosexuality is a crime while killing someone isn't.

i'm going to say, for the record, that i believe a lot of societies in this world are very, very backwards and completely ignorant. i recognize how pompous and "American" my view is, but i also know that i'm right.
i'm not saying that this gay "issue" doesn't exist in America. i am very aware of what is going on. as much as the economy sucks balls right now, i still feel grateful to be living in a society that is constantly fighting for equality. there are still plenty of close-minded simpletons out and about, but at least here we punish murderers...

ignorance is so last summer.


cheers.

Trivial Pursuits

i'm honest and i like to express my opinions, but is it so much so that others feel like i'm imposing my views and decisions on them?

i have this thing for words. i'm addicted and i can't stop.
i apologize in advance for coming off as arrogant and self-righteous.
naturally selfless people like myself tend to be pretty selfish in very trivial aspects of life.
i will go to the moon and back to bring you the stars, but i won't agree with your restaurant choice if i don't want to go there. quite the paradox.

does my stubborn nature help me sustain my dignity, or is it just off-putting? or both?
i just know that i hate relenting. i'm adament about what i want.

i'm not a push-over, nor am i passive or cowardice.
i'd rather tell you how i feel and what i want straight away, rather than complying to you and then complaining about it to someone else later. not my style. i'm not deceptive like that.

doesn't make me a bad person. doesn't mean i don't care about you.
what can i say? i likes what i likes.


cheers.

Bamboozle

amazing weekend, like always.
i finally got an overdue oil change on Saturday, which gave me an excuse to eat & shop with my favorite girl in the world. :)
then in the evening, i spent quality time with Aaron over sushi, before we headed down to JR's apartment for some drunken funfest. i had a blast hanging out with the awesome people i'd met at Paul's birthday party. i really like all them a lot :)

you know you had a great time when you had to pee 3 times at the party, and once more right after you got home. <3

i got to sleep at around 3, but had to wake up at 8:30. i laid in bed til 8:50. haha
then Bamboozle Left allllllllllllllllllllllllll day.
the GREAT thing was that i didn't have to pay. luckily, Larry had an extra ticket for me, otherwise i would've been stuck with paying $35 for food/drinks, $20 for gas, AND $50 for entry. then i wouldn't have been happy about the fact that i really only watched 3 or 4 bands in the 10+ hours i was there.

Dear Life did me proud. i think they sounded really good despite the fact that it was outdoors.
ADTR was energetic as hell. i loved it. the singer couldn't really carry the vocals as well live, but he made up for it with his spunk & enthusiasm. i've loved this band for months and this was my first time seeing them live, so that's something.
oooooh, we got a special treat during The Sleeping's set. Thomas from The Fall of Troy was subbing in for their guitarist, so they did "F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X."! :D how great was that?!
Erica and i were "bi-curious" so we went to watch Jeffree Star's set. awww, it made us laugh like crazy because of how intensely "sexual" it was... and by "sexual", i mean corny. some guy yelled out, "show us your dick!" and Jeffreak responded with "show me yours first! yeah, i bet you have a small dick anyway, so shuttup."
i had wanted to catch all of MCR's set, but i was way tired and not down. to my surprise, i didn't even know the first 2 songs they played. we skedaddled outta there during the 2nd song. luckily, leaving early meant we beat the traffic that would've been CHAOS going out of the parking lot. 10 points for that.


my ass is really sore.

Truth

"i don't care what other people think."

we've all heard it. we've all said it.
but it's not true.

it's a defense mechanism. if we proclaim it to the world that other people's opinions about us don't matter to us, then they can't hurt us. it's almost like being in denial, trying to convince oneself that nothing we do/feel is affected by other people's feelings and actions.

yes, our indifference lies on a spectrum. nobody cares how they look when they're just taking out the trash, or even when they're mingling with their close friends. it's a conditional mechanism, this whole "not caring" bullshit.
i guess we should really say, "i don't care what other people think of __________ when __________."


i don't care what other people think of how i look when i'm at work.
i don't care what other people think of how i look when i'm feeling shitty.
i care what other people think of how i look when i'm out to have a good time.
i care what other people think about my character most of the time.

it's good to care. we have to care in order to maintain good relationships with the people around you.
unfortunately, some people just don't care enough.
they don't care that they've left their friends out in the cold after they were "done" with them. they don't care about honoring the truth.


it's not bad to care about what other people think, but it's dangerous to only care about yourself.
there are some other words to describe that.


if you think about it,
would a person need to proclaim that they're beyond other people's criticisms when that, in fact, is true?